Teach Your Teenager Well
Adolescence: An age of both promise and peril, during which parent and child may lose their bearings (if not their marbles). In honor of this rite of passage, T&C offers a handbook on how best to help a teenager come into his own.
I'm worried about our son," the philanthropist's wife confided to well-known child psychiatrist Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, her companion at a fundraising breakfast last fall." "He's about to go to an Ivy League school. How can we give him the ambition to work hard, when he knows we have enough money to make it possible that he'd never have to work a day in his life?"
Dr. Koplewicz smiled, perhaps having anticipated only genial chat punctuated by more serious discussion of New York University's new state-of-the-art Child Study Center; slated to open this month under his direction. "Fortunately, it's not that common a problem," he said. Swiftly scanning their table, she retorted, "Every parent here is worried about the very same thing!"
Her words cut to the heart of the affluent parent's dilemma. All mothers and fathers know how easily highflying hope can plummet into free-falling anxiety. Well-to-do parents must grapple with an additional irony: the very good fortune that lends their hopes wings also inspires their deepest fears. And as their children embark on adolescence-that long, questing journey toward adulthood-the paradox only deepens. Wishing their offspring to attain not just worldly success but success as people-hardworking, loving and capable-affluent parents sometimes wonder, as did the philanthropist's wife, whether their superabundant circumstances will tip the balance for good or ill. Will their children achieve a meaningful direction in life? Express their talents fully? Learn to approach relationships and money matters with clarity and common sense? Avoid over materialism and obsession with appearances? Use their freedom creatively, not squandering it on drinking, drug use or reckless sexual adventures? And, given their growing independence, how much (or little) should a parent intervene in their lives?
If adolescence is a journey, so too is parenting-one in which you match your child step for step, even as your paths slowly diverge. In navigating the quandaries and quagmires along the way, your native instincts are doubtless your first and best guide, but at strategic moments, you may also gain direction from the following touchstones.
TOUCHSTONE NUMBER ONE
Enjoy Your Teenager
Though this is the alpha and omega of parenting, it's not always simple, especially for the overbooked and ultraconscientious. "Too many parents approach kids as jobs," says Eileen Mullady, Ph.D., who heads up Horace Mann School in Riverdale, New York, and whose four sons range from a seventh grader to a Yale sophomore. "They treat parenting like going into a meeting: 'What's my agenda?' It's more helpful to approach your kids as if they were someone else's kids, with the same pleasure." What of those fleeting moments when, out of fatigue, exasperation or despair, you wish they actually were someone else's children? Remind yourself that this too shall pass. If it doesn't, you need to stop and examine what's going on within you, your child or your relationship.
TOUCHSTONE NUMBER TWO
Only Connect
Watching as your teenager navigates a gauntlet of choices about academics, friendships and extracurricular activities-from the relatively civilized (varsity sports) to the outright hazardous (alcohol, drugs, sex)-your first impulse may be to limit the risks by tightening the leash. But as teens move beyond direct control, you are far better off focusing on your emotional bond with them, which is an fact your most powerful parenting tool.
The cliché that teens rate their peers' approval over their parents' is no truer than most clichés. A large-scale study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed, for instance, that strong family bonds outweigh all other factors' in helping teens abstain from drugs, alcohol, smoking and premarital sex. (Other forces for good: high academic expectations and a parental presence during after-school hours.)
In truth, the teen years may be your best chance ever to make a difference with your child. "Adolescence is when we develop the sense of ourselves that will last a lifetime says family psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and coauthor of the award-winning 1991 book Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship Approach (Plume/Penguin). "It's more important to make a teenager experience himself as smart, attractive and decent than to make a preschooler feel that way; and a teenager is at much greater risk of not feeling that way. Every ounce of parental wisdom, every bit of positive reinforcement, will make a quantum difference in how well your kids function and feel as adults."
TOUCHSTONE NUMBER THREE
Time Is of the Essence
Dr. Koplewicz will never forget his 45th birthday thanks to a toast delivered by his 14-year-old son Josh: "Dad, do less." "Affluent parents are always pushing the envelope' admits Dr. Koplewicz. "Finding a happy balance between being accomplished and spending time with your children is quite a trick. But if you're neglectful, your kids are going to gravitate to other people, most often other neglected kids-or to substances."
To make enough time with your children, says Mira Kirshenbaum, you have to surmount the three main obstacles. "First is a demanding job to deal with this, obviously you've got to assess your situation-talk to your partners or boss-and make decisions. Second is over scheduling. Our schedules fill with junk just as easily as our closets. Third is that you haven't seriously made spending time with your kid a priority. You've got to arrange things so that once a week you can zero in like a laser and spend a chunk of. time with him or her alone. If your kid is away at school, try a long phone call once a week- one solid half-hour of really talking."
As for quality time, everyone agrees: it comes easier when there's quantity too. "Your time together doesn't have to be special' says Dr. Koplewicz. "It could be helping your kid straighten up his room, putting out the' porch furniture at your weekend home, buying lunch at the gourmet shop, racing to the movie theater to pick up tickets ahead of time." He recommends scheduling family time as you would any other comsrutment, especially with teens, who have their own Fiofaxes to contend with. Other tips: make family vacations teen-friendly (see "Teen Spirit;' page 110). Have at least one "be there or else" family meal daily. Bag extra time by inviting your kids' friends over.' 'We encourage our daughters to bring friends here for dinner or to the movies," says Joanne Horning, founder of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation's San Francisco chapter. Joanne and her husband Richard, a high-octane Silicon Valley attorney keep a tight rein on their own calendars. "Friday through Sunday we do not attend fundraisers," she says firmly Finally, as subversive as it may seem in these high-tech times, think twice before granting teens their own private TVs or telephones. The more tune family members spend glued to separate screens or chatting on separate lines, the less time they spend together.
TOUCHSTONE NUMBER FOUR
Let Them Make Their Own Mistakes- And Score Their Own Victories
Like any fledgling, a teenager suffers some crash landings-and a wise parent will assess the damage before rushing to the rescue. "Parents can't stand for their kids to feel pain or disappointment for more than twenty-four hours;' says Eileen Mullady "But you have to let kids feel the long-term consequences of their actions. If your kid goof off and doesn't make the team, it's best to sympathize- not to say 'You're better than all of them!' and try to change things."
This particularly applies to school projects and job searches." It's important that children land jobs on their own, at least the first time;' stresses John Levy an inherited-wealth consultant in Mill Valley California. "There's something quite exciting for a young person about getting that first paycheck-especially for inheritors, who often feel dependent on their inheritance. They need to experience making it on their own." When in doubt, remember Mira Kirshenbaum's maxim: "God helps them who help themselves. If it's good enough for God, it should be good enough for parents."
TOUCHSTONE NUMBER FIVE
Don't Tell Them, Show Them
... How to Find Their Way in the World
In helping teenagers chart a course, example beats advice every time. Highly accomplished parents may chafe at this, believing that their own valuable know-how and real-life clout could nudge a teenager away from recklessness and onto a promising path. Proceed with care, cautions Kirshenbaum. "Don't think your kid has no direction when she simply doesn't have the direction you want her to have. And don't let her fall for the myth that everyone is filled with direction. In reality, most people make choices with doubt and second thoughts. One of the wisest things I ever heard a parent tell a kid was, 'If you know what you want to do, do that. If you don't know what you want to do, help people."'
... How to Work Hard
You can help stoke your teen's ambition by conveying the agonies and ecstasies of your own career. "It's easy to say you won an award, but most parents don't share how hard their work can be" says Dr. Koplewicz. And be sure to include the meat-and-potatoes satisfactions. "Often I come home and say 'I really feel blessed, because today I saw this kid and had the knowledge to give the right diagnosis to his parents, and that's going to help them."
... How to Live Your Beliefs
With personal values, it hardly needs saying: parental actions speak loudest. As Dr. Koplewicz told the philanthropist's wife, who is a generous contributor to Lincoln Center and the NYU Medical Center, "You obviously feel passionately about the arts and about medicine, and your husband is passionate about making money You're showing your son some wonderful ways of being dedicated and channeling his energies."
Robin Hubbard, founder of New York's highly regarded ReadNet Foundation, 'whose computer programs help teach children to read, agrees. "If you want them to do something, you've got to do it." Hubbard, the mother of a 14-year-old son and two daughters, 10 and 4, admits the potential difficulty of instilling social obligation in privileged teens. "We make such efforts to protect our kids from the horrors of crime and homelessness on the streets and smut on the Internet; but then there's a danger that they won't be aware of the realities," she says. Actively involving yourself in community service helps activate your teen, too.
... How to Develop a Meaningful Social Life
Parents must help teens learn to mix easily with people from different social milieus." It's all too comfortable to limit friendships to those with whom you have a lot in common," comments John Levy. "You may fear others will resent your wealth or try to get it. They might-but it's a risk worth taking. Life is a real waste if you don't go out beyond your country club."
… How to Meet a Challenge
At times, a parent needs to show how to engage in a heroic, no- holds-barred battle against adversity. Since 1990, Robin Hubbard has devoted enormous time and energy to helping her son Will deal with a learning disability diagnosed when he was 6. An architect who terms herself a typical very invested mother;' Robin has plumbed psychological theories of learning to help Will (along the way she created the ReadNet Foundation), and for years worked with him daily-"with Christmas Day the only exception." All this, and persuading Will's school to meet his needs, has led to triumph, not only in Will's impressive academic record but in his self-esteem." Last spring he made a speech at a ReadNet literary luncheon. Afterward he said,' I think it was pretty great, don't you?"' she says fondly" You could see and feel his self-confidence."
(Adversity, whether for parent or child, comes in too many guises to do it justice in these pages. For some of its commoner forms, see "Surviving the Successful Parent" and "The Troubled Teen"; the latter, it is hoped, will receive in-depth coverage at a future date.)
Faced with the triple threat of money sex and drugs, most parents rely on a mixture of gut instinct and expert guidance. (A lucky amulet or two doesn't hurt, either.)
Money: The Paradox of Plenty
To a privileged teen, money may seem as ever-present and unremarkable as air. But money is, in fact, a crucible in which identity and values are forged. Affluent parents must help their children come to terms with the role of wealth in their lives, says John Levy "They need to avoid two polar errors: pride-thinking they're especially loved by God; and shame or guilt. A good attitude is, 'Money is both a blessing and a responsibility. I have to use it as wisely as I can.' "With diligence, this feet-on-the-ground ethic can be planted deeply enough to weather the severest tests.
Take the teenage social whirl. "Too much money too much freedom, and everybody in cars," sighs Beverly Hills psychologist Lee Hausner; Ph.D., author of Children of Paradise: Successful Parenting for Prosperous Families (Jeremy P. Tardier, 1990). "What with debutante parties and the Bar Mitzvah circuit, your kids can go every week for two years to a major hotel function with an open bar and wine on all the tables. It really skews their expectations." She recalls her son's Bar Mitzvah: "We didn't high-key it. Our good friends were respectful, but the Beverly Hills kids acted like animals! For them, it wasn't special; they were jaded. Some restaurants make parents hire security because of kids like those."
How to inoculate your teenager against the horrors of "affluenza"? Starting early advises John Levy teach this golden rule: You don't get everything you want. "If a kid graduates from high school and wants a BMW right now, you say no. What you don't say is that you can't afford it. Talk about why you don't think it is a good idea. It's terribly important to be honest about it."
Along with loftier values, you must foster your child's skills at hands-on money management (see "Dollars and Sense," page 106). Most parents favor giving teens an allowance with no chores attached. Others, such as Joanne Horning, link payments to domestic duties. "We have help in our house, but Victoria, to get her allowance, has to make her bed. I don't let the maid do it for her:'
Mira Kirshenbaum also recommends outside employment. "Summer jobs and limited after-school employment should be taken for granted" (see "Instilling the Work Ethic," page 109). Also, consider having your kids take out college loans-"even if you can afford to buy the college. They'll take their education much more seriously if, to some extent, they're paying for it."
Drugs and Alcohol
"Talking openly with your teen about drugs and alcohol might upset you, but full and open communication is the single best way to prevent serious problems," says Kirshenbaum. "That means listening. If he tells you things that upset or scare you, ask what his own thoughts and feelings are. That saves a boring lecture that he'll tune out. Then say, 'Look, I've got to tell you how I feel about this,' and talk about feeling angry or scared or whatever. Your kid will more likely listen to you if you've listened to him:' Stay nonjudgmental and non-accusing, but make clear the real-life consequences of drug use. "Find out the steps your kid's school takes with a student who's identified as having a drug problem," says Kirshenbaum. If you know or suspect your teen is abusing alcohol or drugs, don't wait: promptly take steps to deal with it (see "The Drugs Problem," page 111).
Issuing dire warnings against drugs can feel hypocritical to baby boomers who came 'of age in the freewheeling Sixties. There are three issues here," says Dr. Koplewicz. "First, '60s marijuana was not nearly as potent as today's marijuana, which is often treated with other drugs. Second, starting marijuana at 18, as people did an the '60s, is very different from starting at 14. Third, the earlier you smoke cigarettes, the higher the risk you'll smoke pot; the sooner you try marijuana, the higher the risk for cocaine." Perhaps surprisingly, he advises that, even if you once used drugs, you should-shall we say - pretend you didn't. "Be consistent, and be firm: 'I didn't do drugs, and I don't want you to."
Whether you use this approach or another he says, be careful to preserve your bond with your teenager. Then if your kid does get drunk, he can call you and say, 'I need a ride home,' or 'I'm in an uncomfortable situation.' Remember, many times kids want to be let off the hook; it's a tremendous relief when parents step in."
Sex
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't rely solely on your teens' school sex-education program, says Horace Mann's Eileen Mullady. "I'm sure most school programs are adequate, but they aim for the middle, and kids vary widely in their readiness and ability to talk about sex." Don't be lulled by an adolescent's air of self-assurance; make sure he knows all the necessary facts, from basic anatomy and reproduction to contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. Be sure to bring up gender expectations; these can bend or break a teen's self-image (see "My Girl," page 104), as can concerns about sexual orientation. (If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex with your teen, join the club. If you feel truly paralyzed, ask a trusted family member or friend to help, or enroll your child in the sex-education courses offered by many Planned Parenthood clinics and by some churches.) The key, as with drugs, is to talk in a way that leaves the door open to future discussion.
Parents also need to discuss the merits of abstinence and the dangers of disease transmission through oral sex or intercourse. Sex is baby boomer dilemma number two. These parents don't want to be hypocrites, but there are three things to keep in mind," says Dr. Koplewicz. "First, kids today are starting sex earlier. Two, a lethal virus, HIV out there. Three, you need to keep proper boundaries. Remember, you're not friends." Sharing your sexual history is not helpful; nor is dithering. "Some very elegant studies "These parents don't show that with kids, it's bad to be ambivalent," says Dr. Koplewicz. "You should talk about sex as an expression of love and affection, making clear that you don't want your son or daughter to have sex for sex's sake," he continues. "Recently, a boy proudly told how he got a girl to give him oral sex - he'd heard she'd done it for some other boy, so he told her, 'You're my best friend, aren't you going to give me what you gave him?' He then told some other girls, and they felt pressured to do it also. He clearly was not in love, or even in like, with any of them. That's a failure of parenting."
With sex, as with drugs, parents must stand ready to lend a hand if necessary. "when my daughter Courtney turned 12, I gave her a wrist watch and told her, 'This is your new best friend," says Adelaide Hornberger, an activist community volunteer in San Francisco. "I told her if she ever found herself in an uncomfortable situation, she should look at the watch and say, 'Oh my God, I've got to go home! Our children know that whatever situation they're in, they can just call us. We never go anywhere without leaving them our number."
Virtual Reality: the Good, the Bad, the Ugly
"The whole culture and the ways relationships are described in books, music and film have changed," says Eileen Mullady. Good parenting means not turning your back on the media flood with its flotsam and jetsam of values, but instead helping your teenager wade through it. "To teach kids to sort through things, I need the same information they're getting," says Mullady. "I know all the music the kids listen to; I watch all the garbage on TV. I'm very much against censorship, so I have to talk to them."
The price of media-savvy parenting is eternal vigilance. "Film ratings are great, but parents have to pay attention to them, "says Dr. Koplewicz. He should know: at his middle son's birthday party he and his wife sat in the movie theater surrounded by his son's twenty-five 11-year-old guests, watching a steamy sex scene from the R-rated Jerry Maguire. "I was thinking,We're dead," he ruefully recalls. "And as we left the theater, a bunch of strangers yelled at us, 'This is not an appropriate film for youngsters!' "We apologized to the kids' families, but there is no doubt we goofed."
A Parent's Progress
In the course of their journey, parents, like teens, make many discoveries. Some are ecstatic, some disappointing, some bittersweet - as in the realization that, when you're a parent, it's truly hip to be square. Elegant Robin Hubbard notes that her kids call her "Mother Hubbard," then laughs charmingly "On bad days, it's Old Mother Hubbard." But the journey's pleasures far outstrip its perils. The greatest joy, perhaps, is that of successfully navigating a new terrain-one famed for its challenges.
"Time, time, time is needed to be a good parent," Dr. Koplewicz sums up ."Successful people know that most tasks are much more difficult than they seem. People don't make a million dollars easily; they don't graduate from medical school or become Nobel laureates easily Good parenting is not done easily either:'
by Diane Guernsey - T&C's Guide to Good Parenting
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