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Minimizing Sibling Rivalry

• Establish a family code of conduct that is consistently enforced for all children in the family. Include a zero-tolerance rule for aggression: "No hitting, name-calling, or property damage is allowed."
• Let siblings settle their own disagreements. If left alone, children will learn how to negotiate differences and find common solutions to problems with other people through practice, or arguing with siblings. Through these "practice" sessions, children learn about give and take, sharing and standing up for their rights.
• Spend some "special" time alone with each child. Parent and child can talk, do an activity together, or even complete a necessary household task. Spending "special" time with a child helps him or her feel loved and valued, and reduces competitiveness.
• Treat each child as a unique individual. Learn the likes and dislikes of each child. Support the special interests your children may develop. Help your children understand and accept their own special skills.
• Provide each child with some private space and possessions of their own. Do not make siblings share all of their belongings. Each child need to have ownership of certain toys, books, and clothes and needs his own drawers, hooks, or shelves for personal belongings.
• Provide a variety of activities for children. Siblings sometimes fight because they are bored. Choose activities which encourage children to cooperate with each other, rather than competing to win.

When Siblings Fight

• Parents should try to remain calm and talk in a normal tone of voice.
• Listen to the children's grievances, acknowledge both children's feelings, and provide support for the children's ability to find a common solution to the problem: "It's a tough problem, but I know you can work out a solution that is fair to both of you."
• If the level of fighting looks dangerous, parents can ask children whether the fighting is real play, and remind them if it's not fun for both, it has to be stopped immediately. "If you don't stop fighting, you'll have to go to your roms," when calm has been restored, work with both children to resolve the conflict.
• In a small group of families, fighting between siblings occurs at a high level and can become emotionally or physically abusive. Parents may consider seeking professional help when a child's problems are intense and frequent, and when, despite the parents' best efforts to change the child's behavior, the problems persist.
• Ultimately, it is the parent's responsibility to keep the children safe. Children who are prone to be impulsive and aggressive to other children need to be supervised. If you suspect that an older child will use unsupervised time to take out hostility on a younger sibling, arrange for another child-care option.