Eight Year Old Steals
I have an eight year old girl who in the past has had items show up we did not buy for her. She has said they were given to her. We came to find out some were, some were not. Point being she has stolen these things. This has happened about 5 or 6 times we know of. The really sad part is they were taken from close friends of hers. It's been small items such as jewelry mostly. Question would be how and what should we do?
This is very hard on us because other than this, she is a very nice, deep feelings little girl. We would appreciate any advice you have on this issue.
I can only respond generically because I do not know your eight-year old, or the way you have generally handled issues around discipline or child management. I can tell you how children this age think, though, and that will give you a few options to consider. Eight year olds think their parents can read their minds, and are able to control them because of that fact. Stealing and lying are examples of behaviors used to lash out at that control. They feel guilty and have the basics of good and bad, right and wrong, but they take a chance, and perform "wrongful acts" to get your attention, even if it's negative and perhaps punitive. They don't care. Some children will go to any lengths to get control, and usually these emotional children are the most needy, in terms of demanding attention. Consider how important, then, it is to spend large chunks of time with her, talking, discussing, reviewing consequences, "replaying" what would have been a better choice than taking things from friends, etc.
Even smart remarks like "that won't happen" as a rejoinder when told she will have to do without TV for a period of time, for example is a time for an immediate "talking session". Don't delay your immediate decision to have conversation and state your family beliefs and rules: Say "the situation is that it will happen; there are better ways to show your feelings". DEPERSONALIZE your comments. Talk about stealing and lying, not about your child. Say what happened, how it happened, review the facts, insist on her retelling the incident. What came first, what happened next? Don't let the control flow from your to her. You are in charge; don't be too theoretical or deep, or give reasons, or excuses. Avoid name calling or statements like, "you know better."
She knows better, but she wants to get her way. She wants the power that she feels you unfairly (to her) have. Keep consequences squarely focused on the problem. No tickets to a rock concert, no friends overnight, no visits to a favorite grandparent, no shopping, etc. Give her the message that she has to become more responsible.
It is her responsibility, to earn back privileges and what she wants to do. The hardest part of carrying out this approach is that she must understand your insistence that she act responsibly. She must be kept on task, without much comment, other than frequent discussions, or as I call them "family meetings." These can take place anywhere, briefly, even in a car, or walking to the door. These are meetings that allow her to tell you her complaints or feelings, but do not deviate from the plan. Write down the plan in steps, number the steps. Identify the problem as (-) stealing (a ring from Mary). Under the problem statement, list the steps, eg.,
#1 She must tell exactly what happened
She must tell exactly where it happened
She must tell exactly how it happened (even if you've heard her version before)
She must tell it over and over
Daily
Every meeting
#2 With her, name activities she likes to do, or dearly wants to do: name her favorite activities, foods, places to go. These are the consequences.
#3 Discuss consequences as simply a fact of life. Wrongful behavior requires one or more of these activities (or favorites) is taken away. Clearly state you are very disappointed, but, she can always do better next time, because you love. You love her, not the behavior. The behavior is totally unacceptable to your family.
#4 State to her that all the negative "fall out" from her will be ignored and the more she "falls out" (yelling, defying, refusing) the more you are resolved to help her become a more responsible person.
#5 Discuss this plan as an agreement; if she refuses, put an "X" on the plan for her and give her a copy ; if she rips it up, giver her another. Post it on the refrigerator; keep it close by and hand it to her, instead of listening to her complain.
#6 Practice (at a family meeting) "walking away" and "ignoring" so she knows you mean business and she knows what walking away and ignoring bad behavior means!
Good habits take time, but they are worth the effort.
Thanks for writing,
Dr. Susan
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