Disciplining Your Child
A common concern of parents is discipline. Discipline basically means "to teach." Discipline and punishment are sometimes confused, but they are really two different approaches. Children are punished when parents emphasize what not to do; control through use of fear. Children behave in order to avoid a penalty. Results of this approach include feelings of humiliation, low self-esteem, attempts to hide mistakes, and failure to develop inner controls. Children are disciplined when they learn to see possible consequences of their actions, choose alternative behaviors, and develop self-control. Results of this approach are increased self-esteem, independence, the ability to make sound choices, and take responsibility for behavior.
Parents and children need to feel good about themselves, enabling both parents and children to be successful in meeting life's challenges. Shame, rejection, withdrawal of affection, or favoring of one child over another has no place in discipline. Corporal punishment - hitting or spanking - is a risky and dangerous practice and is often a parent's reaction to frustration and inability to see other choices.
Finally, ask yourself the following questions: What do I want to teach my child? How can I help him/her to learn this in a way that is constructive to his/her growth and our relationship? (Rather than hurtful and destructive). How was I disciplined as a child? Was it hurtful or helpful? Do I want to choose another approach? Consider the following approaches to discipline and alternatives to punishment:
1. Parent Time-Out:
Next time your child misbehaves - Stop - Cool off - Think before acting - and choose to discipline in a constructive way.
2. Focus on Behavior:
Communicate clearly that you love the child; however, her behavior is not acceptable.
3. Set Limits:
Have clear rules and be consistent. Whatever style of discipline you choose, use it in every situation, even in public or when grandparents are visiting.
4. Review Expectations:
There are no perfect children, just as there are no perfect parents. If your children are not meeting your expectations, the expectations probably need changing, not the children. Ask yourself: are my expectations in line with my child's stage of development? And, am I aware of my child's temperament? Make sure your child knows what is expected of her.
5. Positive Communication:
As a parent, it is helpful to be in touch with your own feelings and reactions and how this is affecting the way you are talking to your child. State expectations in a positive way to encourage desirable behavior. Give a simple and clear command. It is helpful to get down to the child's level, have eye contact, and use a calm tone of voice. Children need an opportunity to air their desires and feelings. In addition, children are likely to be more cooperative when given reminders and provided with choices. Follow up to see if the child completed the task.
6. Encourage Desirable Behavior:
Catch the child "being good." Children prefer positive
attention over negative, however, negative attention is preferable to no attention at all.
7. Logical Consequences:
If possible, allow your child to experience the consequence that would logically follow a particular behavior. For example, when the behavior is "running into others with a Big Wheel," the consequence is that he "cannot ride the Big Wheel until he can manage himself."
8. Time-Out:
Time-Out is separation (chair or bedroom) as a result of unacceptable behavior. It must be brief (for example, five minutes for a five year old). Setting a timer is helpful. Make sure the child knows why she is separated and what behavior is expected after the time-out.
9. Problem-Solving:
Guide the child in finding his own solutions. The process for this is:
· Identify the problem with words
· Identify feelings with words
· Brainstorm solutions
For example, "We really have a problem. John wants to ride the Big Wheel and you want to ride the Big Wheel. You're both mad because you both want to be first. What do you think we can do about this problem?"
10. Contract/Reward:
Reinforce acceptable behavior (for example, a sticker chart for clean-up helpers is a good reward).
Dealing with Sibling Rivalry
Siblings may be the best of friends, but often, they will have bouts of bickering and rivalry. This bickering is really the flip side of their intense love and attachment to each other. And, it's a sign of their need for the parent's love and attention. Upsetting though it may be for parents to witness, bickering, whining, and shouting between siblings is normal and even healthy. From these early relationships, children are learning how to live with other people.
Minimizing Sibling Rivalry
Establish a family code of conduct that is consistently enforced for all children in the family. Include a zero-tolerance rule for aggression: "No hitting, name-calling, or property damage is allowed."
Let siblings settle their own disagreements. If left alone, children will learn how to negotiate differences and find common solutions to problems with other people through practice, or arguing with siblings. Through these "practice" sessions, children learn about give and take, sharing and standing up for their rights.
Spend some "special" time alone with each child. Parent and child can talk, do an activity together, or even complete a necessary household task. Spending "special" time with a child helps him or her feel loved and valued, and reduces competitiveness.
Treat each child as a unique individual. Learn the likes and dislikes of each child. Support the special interests your children may develop. Help your children understand and accept their own special skills.
Provide each child with some private space and possessions of their own. Do not make siblings share all of their belongings. Each child needs to have ownership of certain toys, books, and clothes and needs his own drawers, hooks, or shelves for personal belongings.
Provide a variety of activities for children. Siblings sometimes fight because they are bored. Choose activities which encourage children to cooperate with each other, rather than competing to win.
When Siblings Fight
Parents should try to remain calm and talk in a normal tone of voice.
Listen to the children's grievances, acknowledge both children's feelings, and provide support for the children's ability to find a common solution to the problem: "It's a tough problem, but I know you can work out a solution that is fair to both of you."
If the level of fighting looks dangerous, parents can ask children whether the fighting is real or play, and remind them if it's not fun for both, it has to be stopped immediately. "If you don't stop fighting, you'll have to go to your rooms." When calm has been restored, work with both children to resolve the conflict.
In a small group of families, fighting between siblings occurs at a high level and can become emotionally or physically abusive. Parents may consider seeking professional help when a child's problems are intense and frequent, and when, despite the parents' best efforts to change the child's behavior, the problems persist.
Ultimately, it is the parent's responsibility to keep the children safe. Children who are prone to be impulsive and aggressive to other children need to be supervised. If you suspect that an older child will use unsupervised time to take out hostility on a younger sibling, arrange for another child-care option.
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