Concise Advice 4 Year Old Asks if I am Adopted...
Dr. Susan, My co-worker has a sister who is 4 years old. The older sister and I work at a preschool together daily. Her mother is having great difficulty with the younger sister. She has regressed to being baby fed. Let me explain that the older sister has moved out and has a husband and child of her own. There is 16 years difference between them. The mother of both girls is also a foster mother of other children. Which they have explained she wasn’t. They are concerned of her acting out and her anger. Please help.
Thanks, Linda
Dear Linda
It isn’t that uncommon to have a 4-year-old ask if they are adopted or foster children or any number of fantasy ideas. When people leave or return to a family setting, 4-year-olds change their behavior in lots of ways. Some want so much attention, they scream and have many tantrums. Others act like babies, reverting to earlier days when their mother or father “babied them.”
The sister is reacting to family changes, to routines that are different. Why not “talk-talk-talk” to the 4-year-old, tell her what a big sister she is now to the foster children and how she can help. Give her lots of hugs and some responsibility she can handle. Give her privileges and rewards when she acts her age.
The biggest moral booster for her will be to be genuine and helpful. At her age, she likes being a motherly type, bossing others and telling everyone the rules. Let her help make up games to play with the other children. Help her mom see what a big girl she is.
Most 4-year-olds can help cook, clean, even help change a diaper, or “read” to younger children. Also, take her on “special” mystery trips, so she can have one-on-one attention from her mom and big sister and niece. She’s acting very normal for all the changes in her life.
Dr. Susan