Turben Developmental Services - Concise Advice Over 10 Years Old

Sleep Problems

Over two years ago our daughter, now 13 started coming in our room in the middle of the night and sleeping by our bed maybe once a week. She had seen an "alligator" movie that her brother was watching and it also affected her swimming in the lake we boated on for almost a year. She seemed to get over both, but while at a Youth meeting one night they watched parts of the movie "Signs" last year and she began crying after being in bed awhile and then coming into our room again. Again, it tapered off and we tried not to worry. She was concerned about aliens attaching and we talked about it a lot, listened to her fears and tried many ways to get her over it, lights on, stereo on, lights off, music off, books..... Two weeks ago in school a forensic expert came to their school for career day and showed pictures from a homicide scene. She has seen scary movies in the past, such as Sixth Sense and others and seemed only affected by things with aliens, but this really got to her as well. Again, she cries every night and ends up in our room. During the day she's a normal teen, nothing bothers her, she's doing good in school, no home stress. Is it time for counseling? We've spoken to her about it and she gets that much more upset that she doesn't want to talk with anyone. Do we force the issue?

We have two dogs that sleep in our room and our considering getting a kitten that would be hers and sleep in her room. Thinking maybe if she wasn't alone she would feel safer, but if there's a strong possibility that it wouldn't work, I'd rather not have the third animal.

Looking forward to your input.

It is somewhat understandable that a 13 year old might crave extra attention and reassurance in response to bad experiences and nightmares, but it is not typical. Generally, if teenagers are overprotected and act younger than their age, they will develop these habits more often then if they are more mature and independent. Only you can judge the level of maturity of your child. If she is young for her age, then you can offer her 2 choices of options when she becomes frightened. One option is to sleep with earphones or the light on, another might be to get up and get some milk and crackers. Be sure to make the rule clear that she can tell you she's awake and ask for a kiss or a hug, but that she cannot stay in any room except her own. You are smart to talk about her fears in the light of day when the conversation is not tied to her middle-of -the -night performances. Keep the discussion businesslike and detach yourself from the emotions that you are feeling. You may be transmitting your emotional worry to her and not be aware of it. All children need limits and guidelines from parents that clearly spell out how you are going to handle emotional issues during the teenage years. It's fun, its hard work, but remember, you are in charge. Also, be sure you approve of her friends; some of this may be coming from others.

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Pregnant

I am pregnant and the bad thing about it is that I am only 13 years old. I think its just how I was raised I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. We all have different dads and my my dad I don't know where he is, my brother is in jail, my older sister got pregnant at age 14 and I guess I am just following her footsteps. My other sister is just annoying and she is only 7! I already told my mom and she cried but my friend said she could help with anything! My ex-boyfriend is denying the whole thing he says he never even touched me!! Well I just wanted some tips of pregnancy like what I should expect!

Thank you for your question and visiting my website.

Your only jobs are:
1. To continue going to school until the day the baby is born,
2. Learning all you can about how babies learn right from birth!
Remember to let go of your worries about family members and concentrate on getting good prenatal care and finding a gynecologist who understands child development. I hope you will stay in touch with me! Please, please, do!!

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Bad Grades

My daughter is 12 years old she is in 7th grade. She does not have any interest in studying and her grades are dropping.
Please give me some tips how can I make her study to get good grades.

Twelve year olds have discovered they have a mind of their own and that you cannot read their minds. This "private" knowledge makes adolescent girls feel very powerful and in control of their actions, which is true. You as a mom, and/or her dad are the ones who especially need to be in charge at this time in her life. Try to do these easy things to help her focus on "her job", which is to go to school, and to develop her talents.

#1- Start having family meetings every few days or even more often in the beginning. Family meetings take place either at home or wherever you need to talk to her. At the first few meetings, you can lay out the family rules you feel are most important-not too many!! Just think of a few general ones, like children do not yell or hit

#2- Children in our family do homework at the kitchen table after they have relaxed and had a snack after school

#3- Children help at home, depending on their talents and skills and ages. You can have rules that pertain to each day or each week. I'm sure you see how important it is for children to know the rules as they become more independent and have their own private thoughts. Cooperation is a skill parents must teach their children; Cooperative helping makes teenagers feel important. Make sure you listen more than you talk and that you model by example the same good habits and behaviors you want your child to develop. Children learn by watching you; the more you read and learn, the more they will want to do the same. Teach them how much fun it is to study! Do a project on worms and gardening if you enjoy gardening. Write poems or stories and read lots of books out loud at night with your child. Teach children good habits by doing chores and studies together, play board games that teach math or science, go to the local elders and ask them to tell stories to the children and teenagers. Get you child involved in social science clubs. Make sure your teenager's friends are acceptable to you, you are in charge and you must be sure friends are good influences and the personality of your child.

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No Respect

My son will be 18 in a few months and I am wanting him to move out of the house. He treats our home as if it were his personal hotel. He won't pick up after himself, he leaves the house a pig sty and the dogs are never walked when I am away at work.

At age 18, young adults who live at home, are contributing to the household financially or by attending college and working, or by doing volunteer work as an apprentice. If your son is doing any of these, then he might be able to stay in your house with several months of regular family meetings to setup how you want the household to operate. If he is not doing any of the above and is not mentally of physically challenged, he should leave the home and find work that supports and apartments, a hostel or a group home. All parents need to detach from their adult children by preparing them to be independent. Only you know best how to teach your son the skills he needs to live on his own. Don't wait another day-start training him for independent living.

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Overweight

I am 13 years old and weigh 170lbs. I need to lose weight and miss the old me. How can I lose weight without hearing to stick to a healthy diet and exercise. I go to the gym and only eat fruit and vegetables. Any other suggestions?

No, I agree not to say those two things. You are very smart to understand you need to lose weight. I admire you for taking responsibility for your own situation. I have just 2 ideas and they will work, I promise:

First Idea- Every week you make out your own grocery list for your mom or dad. The trick is you can only write down foods that are stored along the outside aisles of your favorite grocery store (these aisles are along the outside walls and rear of the store.)

Second Idea- Find a plate in your house that isn't as big as the one you normally use as a dinner plate. Even if it's a tiny bit smaller, it means that the portions you will be eating are smaller, too. The small the portions the faster your stomach will shrink to the size of an orange, which is the goal for your size and age. You need a smaller stomach so what you do eat makes you full, even if it is less.

If you get hungry sooner that three hours, don't worry! Be happy! Just reheat what you didn't eat, and enjoy with a bottle or glass of water. Take
only one soda a day- no more than one! Promise?. Any sweets you sneak will only make you hungry within an hour- isn't that mean? So if you do slip and have a candy, eat it so,so,so,so slowly---- eat everything as slowly as you can.

Third Idea (oops I forgot one-) Try your hardest to double the amount of your exercise every day, unless it is a very rigorous one like tennis, Lacrosse, soccer, basketball, etc. If you can't double it, then walk 30 minutes every day after you eat a snack or dinner.

P.S. Please tell me how you are doing and I'll give you other ideas if these don't work for you- You are a great person to care about yourself so much- you deserve the best in life.

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The Adolescent

Physical Development:

Rapid weight gain at beginning of adolescence. Enormous appetite.
Sexual maturity, with accompanying physical and emotional changes. Girls are usually about two years ahead of boys.
Sometimes a period of glandular imbalance.
Skeletal growth completed, adult height reached, muscular coordination improved.
Heart growing rapidly at beginning of period.

Characteristic Behavior:

Going to extremes, emotional instability with "know-it-all" attitude.
Return of habits of younger child: nail biting, tricks, impudence, daydreaming.
High interest in philosophical, ethical, and religious problems. Searches for ideas.
Preoccupation with acceptance by the social group. Fear of ridicule and being unpopular. Self-pity and over sensitiveness.
Strong identification with an admired adult.
Assertion of independence from family as a step toward adulthood.
Responds well to group responsibility and group participation. Groups may form cliques.
High interest in physical attractiveness.
Girls usually more interested in boys than boys in girls, resulting from earlier maturity of the girls.

Special Needs:

Acceptance by and conformity with others of own age.
Adequate understanding of sexual relationships and attitudes.
Kind, unobtrusive, adult guidance which does not threaten the adolescent's feeling of freedom.
Assurance of security. Adolescents seek both dependence and independence.
Opportunities to make decisions and to earn and save money.
Provision for constructive recreation. Some cause, idea, or issue to work for.

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Teen Spirit
by Christine Loomis

Finding positive ways to connect with your teens can be frustrating-but it is possible if, instead of insisting on your own preferences, you join your teenagers in activities they like.

Because teens are usually creative and enthusiastic about the arts, try a photography, painting or ceramics class together. (One advantage of a class is that it puts you both on equal footing, thus eliminating an area of potential conflict.) Sports are another natural connection. My dad and I golfed together from the time I was seven until I was over 40, and though as a teen I would never have admitted it, I was profoundly grateful for those days when we laughed and came to better understand one another on the fairway. I hated rock climbing with my own teenage daughter; but on skis, horseback or the putting green we forget our differences and relax. Or consider working out together or introducing a teen to spa treatments. An afternoon at the gym or health club fosters one-on-one time and good health through action rather than lectures. That adolescents roll their eyes at talk of family vacations is no reason not to go-but remember these caveats. Either go where other teens are guaranteed to be or let your child take a friend. Choose a place with abundant sports, since adolescents are high-energy travelers (except in the early morning, when they're comatose-don't plan events then). Try a resort or cruise ship; in these safe environments, you can relax while your teenagers achieve (if only briefly) the independence they so crave.

Six Places that Love Teens- And Vice Versa

Four Seasons Resort, Maui, 3900 Wailea Alanui, Wailea, Maui, HI 96753; (808) 874-8000. Hawaiian elegance goes hand in hand with sports. Free scuba clinics for kids ages 12 and up; eco-snorkel tours for guests 8 and up. Portable stereo equipment is available on loan at no charge.

o Resort at Squaw Creek, 400 Squaw' Creek Road, P0. Box 3333, OlympicValley, CA 96146 (530) 583-6300 or (800) 327-3353. A four-season resort with ski-in/ski-out facilities and snow-tubing in winter, a mountain adventure program for children and teens in summer. The mountaintop High Camp Bath & Tennis Club has an ice rink, indoor and outdoor climbing walls, tennis courts, a swimming lagoon and, for the daring, a bungee tower.

o The Peaks Resort & Spa at Telluride, P0. Box 2702, Telluride, CO 81435; (970) 728-6800 or (800) 789-2220. Few resorts so beautifully combine pampering and outdoor pursuits. The spa offers treatments specifically for teens. Or sign up for a day of family adventure: hiking, climbing, snowshoeing or cross-country skiing.

o Boca Raton Resort & Club, 501 E. Camino Real, P0. Box 5025, Boca Raton, FL 33431; (561) 395-3000 or (800) 327-0101. Teenage guests mingle at the Boca Raton 33432 Club (ages 14 to 17). Serious junior tennis players (ages 9 to 18) can try the Nike Tennis Camps in July, and parents and teen golfers will enjoy the new Nicklaus/Flick Golf School.

o The Cloister, Sea Island, GA 31561; (912) 638-3611 or (800) 732-4752.At the five-star Cloister, a place where generations of families have gone to relax and reconnect, teens can join peers for tennis mixers, evening get-togethers, kayak tours, golf and more. Popular with families: shooting school.

o The Bitter End Yacht Club, North Sound, Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands; (800) 872-2392. Outside the U.S. and Canada, fax (888) 329-2392. A guaranteed antidote to stress, the get-away-from-it-all Bitter End boasts a superb sailing school and windsurfing classes taught by a staff adept at working with all ages. Stay on land or in live-aboard yachts afloat on the stunningly clear BVI waters.

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TROUBLED TEENS OR SOCIALLY CONNECTED ONES? WHICH DOES OUR SOCIETY WISH TO HAVE IN OUR MIDST?

There are many teenagers who feel lonely, disconnected and frustrated, during the 12-18 year-old stage of life. All of us remember what it feels like to have those emotions, but thankfully, there were people around, things to-do, and the feelings came and went with the hormones that changes all teens. But now? This is a different world for teens and sensitive parents are finding ways to work, and support their teens in their absence. This is Susan's concise advice for those parents this month, with help from an expert. READ ON!

Parents are often not at home, peers can be the wrong role models, and isolation can be a perception as much as it is often the reality of life for a teen. Cell phones are good for staying in touch with teens, as are relatives and other close family friends who watch out for teens, much like neighborhood watch programs did twenty years ago.

The Teen Problem has more to do with connection, than it does with parenting and family life. There are ways to be sure your teen stays connected to a support system of family and friends who are good role models and are trustworthy. Dr. Turben's advice is in response to many emails on the topic that parents are the ones who must help kids choose their friends starting in the early grades and continuing through high school.

Even if religion does not play an important role in the family's daily life, religious activities are often directed at children and youth, providing an ideal environment for isolated and lonely teens. Parents need to monitor and assess their children's friends, and not be afraid to do so. Parents should call their local churches and ask for information on programs they offer, and explain their reasons.

While schools are increasingly able to provide before nd after school activities, it is the community that should supply the connections teens need. Call Big Brothers and Big Sisters or enroll your teen and his friends on your approved list in Programs. Many have counselors and mentors on hand every day.

Teens who work after school also make friendships and connections that keep them happier and less lonely. It is parental control that needs to be established earlier in life, so that all teens can have their friends and connections to the community too! The following is excellent advice, as parents try to balance teens' use of the Internet and chat groups with real live healthy activities that connect teens to positive and goal-oriented experiences.

Everyone needs to be left alone from time to time-but a teenager who shrinks from family and friends or avoids school or important social activities may well be struggling with problems beyond the normal stresses of adolescence.

Granted, it can be hard to tell. As Boston adolescent-medicine specialist Lydia A. Shrier, M.D., M.P.H., reminds parents, "How many times did you go upstairs and slam the door?" More often than not, a teen's moodiness is simply that. But if it continues for more than a few days, or if it combines with behaviors such as fighting, overly aggressive sexuality or emotional outbursts, a child may need professional help.

The trouble is, isolation or aggression can signify a multitude of woes, from physical illness (hormonal imbalances, brain tumors or even reactions to medication) to mental/emotional conditions (depression, anxiety or other mood disorders, eating disorders, undiagnosed learning or attention disabilities, substance abuse). It may also reflect low self-esteem or be a reaction to trauma such as divorce, illness, violence or sexual abuse.

Adolescents who have difficulty relating to others-misreading nonverbal cues, constantly interrupting or standing uncomfortably close during conversation-may suffer from a personality or thought disorder. It can take one or more experts to accurately assess child's condition and recommend the proper treatment. Depending on the diagnosis, this could be individual or group talk therapy, a support group or a pharmaceutical regimen.

If you're concerned, ask your child's teacher, school counselor or psychologist whether he or she has noticed any social or behavioral changes or problems. You should also consult your primary-care provider, says Dr. Shrier: "Some behavior changes may involve physical conditions." For instance, says "Suzanne," a Napa Valley vintner, when her teenage son developed schizophrenia, the first warning sign was a change in his sleeping patterns; he also grew quick to anger and increasingly withdrawn. "He was always much less social than the rest of us," she recalls, "and these seemed so much the problems common to any teenager. I now know they were symptoms?'

If your child suffers from a mental or emotional disorder, she says, "You need to network to find the right people and doctors." Her discussions with her family physician and with several friends led her to a psychiatrist who identified the problem and began treatment. "Getting the right diagnosis is absolutely critical," she says.

Your child's physician should make an assessment and, if necessary; refer you to the appropriate specialists or services. Other sources: The American Academy of Pediatrics, www.aap.org. For a copy of AAP's brochure "Surviving: Coping with Adolescent Depression and Suicide," write to Department C-Depression, P.O. Box 927, Elk Grove, IL 60009. The NationalAlliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) offers advice and educational and referral services, and sponsors support groups. 800-950-NAMI. The National Alliance for Research on Schizophrenia and Depression (NARSAD) provides information and fact sheets on the warning signs of suicide. (800) 829-8289.

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