Concise Advice 5to6 years old
Your Email Questions Answered
by Dr. Susan Turben
Lying
Is is normal for young children to lie to their parents when they make mistakes? What is the best way to deter the behavior?
Children between the ages of 5-7 are changing the way they think, and one of the advancements in abstract thinking has to do with realizing that they have done bad things and feeling very shame faced. They need excuses and explanations which make them feel better. They are not afraid of punishment. They already feel guilty and need face-saving actions and words to get them out of trouble. They keep doing that even if a parent says, "you will get in less trouble if you tell the truth, than if you lie." They don't understand or believe that so keep up their version of the truth. When children get to be 8-10, they have the habit of lying even over dumb things. So try asking the child to retell that story or rewind the tape, or start over again and tell what happened another way. In other words, you as a parent want a version of the truth that is really the truth. This technique helps a child save face, get the facts straight, and allows you to set down non-threatening consequences that do not severely punish the child.
Children tell the truth when they feel safe and secure. They can only break a bad lying habit if they feel confident you will understand and have reasonable consequences. Be reasonable, but insist on a retelling of the event or situation. Be firm about that. Do not accept the lies. Help you child "break the habit."
Strong Willed
I can't handle my 5 year old. She is stubborn, no matter what we tell her she does things her way. We have tried taking things away as punishment, talking to her, revoking privileges (such as going to grandma's for a night), even spanking. She will stop at nothing to get her way, even though she is not rewarded for throwing fits to get her way. Her latest episode was to pee in her pants to be able to go home. What can we do with such a strong willed child?
Don't you think you have lost control of your household? Most parents do, who have strong willed children who are capable of "taking over." Please remember you are in charge, and need to get back to the reality that five year old's aren't capable of supervising themselves or you. Traditional discipline methods which worked when she was a toddler (substitution, distraction, family rules) aren't working now, so what happens is that you keep changing approaches and allowing her to dismantle each one.
Get back to the basics; three basic rules that are most important to you must be identified. I recommend:
A schedule is set and followed with respect, and compliments given daily. The rules are agreed to by you and your husband and practiced and rehearsed by the whole family at a family meeting. Then stick to the rules, making them concrete and offering your daughter only 2 choices: Do the daily scheduled activities herself or ask for help-no other choices.
If she doesn't comply, then you shrink her boundaries and reign her in to a smaller space or options. If she can't cooperate (teach her cooperation), at the mall, quietly, no talking to her, leave. If she can't set the table, quietly take her to the bottom stair (if you have one) and sit with her, reminding her of the rule. No yelling or hitting, just sitting and talking even if she if not listening. The more she acts up, the closer you stay by her. Don't use time out. If you take her to her room to think about it, stay there with her. Don't banish her because she must do as you ask, and if she's throwing a fit in her room, she isn't being cooperative and when you go to her, you're just giving her more attention. She doesn't care if the attention is positive or negative-as long as she's in control and getting what she wants.
At a "meeting" have you daughter write with you some of her favorite things. These are then used as privileges when she cooperates. When she doesn't, don't give in and let her have her favorites. No TV unless she cooperates is a good first privilege to lose. Call them privileges-no rewards, bribes, or threats.
Defiant
The past few months, my child who is 6 years old has become defiant, argumentative, and disrespectful. It only happens at home and usually with me. I have tried many different styles or methods of parenting, i.e. rewards, punishments, love, etc. I don't know what I am doing wrong...I feel I am losing my child and our bond as mother and daughter. HELP!
I understand how frustrating it may be to watch your 6 year old behave in ways that are new. Children 5-8 years of age are all different, each according to his or her temperament, but here are common habits and behaviors that do seem to resonate with this age group. First, children feel safe at home to show off, to imitate temper tantrums or mouthing rude behaviors because they see these actions all the time. At school they tend to be on their best behavior, so they will get the positive attention they can crave, and so that other children will like them. At home, they can act out and let their good manners run amuck.
The best medicine is to start having family meetings (even a short one in the car) to discuss what they do in school and make them feel important even when they are all worked up. Children need to release tension and they need to know what family rules they need to follow, so discussion and conversation are essential. They have to know every day (over and over) what the family expects of them, what their limits are, and what is unacceptable to you as a family. Rewards are like bribery-only award her when she does what is expected. Avoid personalizing her mistakes-just say, "in our family the rule is we speak calmly and when you can do that, then I will listen." Learn to walk into another room, ignore her, or direct her to a picture or a chart that shows what the family rules are.
Friendships are very important to 5-8 year olds so be sure she makes friends with a wide circle of people, not just in school. Get her into Brownies or another group activity where she learns to take directions from another adult, other than you, relatives, and teachers.
If she persists in her bad habits, shrink her boundaries, so to speak. Eliminate the privileges she usually has, like TV or CD's for a short time, reminding her she can have privileges only if she cooperative and helpful.
Above all, get her cooperation by having her help you with everything. She is very competent at age 6 and needs to learn to be helpful.
Biting
I have a 5 year old boy who at most times is well behaved. Once in a while he will do something like bite a playmate. He will be disciplined and the behavior will not recur for two to three months or longer and then suddenly appear again. The length between events makes it hard to see triggers and it is hard to escalate consequences. Any ideas?
As you know, children outgrow the urge to bite by late toddlerhood because after that time, they are anxious to please others and make friends.
Children 3-5 years of age are "crowd-pleasers", and yet they are still in need of the safety and security of family and home. Children who continue to bite usually are telling adults they feel insecure for some reason. Since we can't always figure out why they feel this way, adults must set down rules to follow and reduce tension and frustration that can lead to biting, kicking, hitting, or other physical actions which are not acceptable.
Have frequent conversations about how you wish your child to handle his urge to bite. Give him strict steps to follow when he gets the urge to bite and avoid punishment, except to take away privileges he has earned such as; video games, TV, or trips to Chuck E. Cheese, etc. Practice these steps over and over so he knows how to handle this biting instinct. Try teaching him to take deep breaths, walk away from the situation, and to tell an adult what's wrong before he bites. Be firm and rehearse all the steps he must take to prevent the biting from happening again.
"Drama Queen"
My niece, who has lived with me since birth is 6 years old. Her teachers call her a drama queen or actor. Why is she behaving like this in school?
I think you need to "share" your niece with other children, and to be sure you are not overly attentive to her every whim and desire. When a child is a "twosome" with a very attentive adult, there is little chance she will avoid being the center of attention.
Dislikes School
My daughter is 6 years old and I am having trouble with her wanting to go to school. She is in first grade and cries when I take her to school. She never cried like this when she was in kindergarten.
Your daughter is probably adjusting well by now. Separation is not a one time problem for 4-7 year olds, so be kind and gentle, and help her to feel you will be back for her or waiting for her when school gets out each day.
She needs reassurance and a feeling of security and trust that you are happy she is in 1st grade and glad she is with other children.
Tell your child's teacher every day exactly how your child responded before and after school. Start a good daily conversational dialogue with the teacher until she fully adjusts.
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