Your Email Questions Answered
by Dr. Susan Turben
Bedtime Problems
Bossy Four Year Old
Running Away
Cannot Express Emotions
Hitting
Bedtime Problems
Our oldest son will be 3 next month and recently has developed a bad habit around sleep that we are perplexed on how best to handle.
Until recently we used a baby gate across the door to his bedroom to prevent him from wandering in the middle of the night should he wake (all bedrooms are located on the second floor). At some point he figured out how to climb over the gate, and very quickly after he began a pattern of waking up and hurdling the gate in the middle of the night. Naturally we would usher him back to his room and put him back to bed, but it started to get to the point where none of us were getting any sleep.
While we don't allow him to, he wants to sleep in our bed even though we know it is not right. We've thought about this a great deal and need advice as we've resorted to wedging a washcloth in his door at night to keep it shut so that he will stay in his room and sleep through the night.
Wedging the door shut has given us all the gift of good night sleep; however, its getting him to bed that is a challenge. Now he panics and doesn't want us to leave his side. We've not changed his bed time routine other that the door. How else can we encourage him to want to go to bed?
You and your husband are experiencing a problem that is a "situation" that is unacceptable. For awhile it was just inappropriate, now is needs resolution quickly. Three year olds are very demanding and suddenly he is acting like he is "in charge" rather than you. Three year olds can't be in charge.
1. Remove the washcloth, saying "you don't need it anymore, as long as you stay in your room." Tell him he will be in his room all night, and as long as he stays there, the door can be open and all is well. You are happy he understands.
2. Buy a second gate to place above the first gate, to form a barrier he can't climb over.
3. Limit his fluids after 7pm. At 11pm, get him up and take him to the bathroom so his bladder will be okay all night and he won't awaken to feel "trapped" as well as have to urinate.
4. Check on him after a few minutes and at 11pm to be sure his is back asleep, if he isn't repeat your rule about staying in the room and compliment him about it. Leave the gates up. Say thank you and good night.
5. He will be furious that you have taken away his " power" to get out of his room and then made him afraid by using the washcloth. That's the panic he is feeling. He needs the door to be open, as long as he understands you are not changing the rules anymore. The gates are a good solution for now.
6. If he cries more than 10 minutes after going to bed at 8-8:30 pm, go in and explain the rule and say you are not going to the door again. Use pull ups and a rubber sheet on the bed.
There are several other approaches if you have trouble making this one work. Let me know.
Bossy Four Year Old
We have a soon to be four year old who thinks she can do everything mom does. She is getting into things like lotions and the like, and putting them in her bath with her. She is trying to make her own decisions about almost everything from bed time to not picking up after herself. She is telling us no almost all the time and we are running out of ways to get this solved, please help!
Thank you for writing in! You described a 4 year old very well, at least a female 4 year old . They are bossy, negative when they are not in charge and demanding. They model exactly what they see and hear. They imitate all of the ways adults interact with them. So remember you are in charge. Talk about single family rules and have a family meeting to discuss the rules and practice exactly what you mean. Family discussions and conversations are the only tools you have that impress children because they are so eager for attention, they will either be good or bad to get it. Four year olds don't mind getting negative attention, but you should have a family meeting to discuss the rules and practice exactly what you mean. Family discussions and conversations are the only tools you have that impress children because they are so eager for attention, they will either be good or bad to get it. Four year olds don't mind getting negative attention, but you should focus on her being good, not the other stuff. Ignore her and please do it her way and simply state the rule "we pick up our clothes before bed," or "we ask permission to use mommy's bath oil." Keep the focus on her helpfulness and her eagerness to be a real part of running the family. Let her help, let her be involved, but insist she remember that adults are "in charge." Let me know if these work well for you.
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Running Away
Could you please send tips on teaching a three year old the dangers of running away from Mom (sometimes into the street).
Thank you for writing in with your question.
Three year olds are so in need of parents who know how to limit a child's use of space, objects and how to set boundaries. They are so capable and smart, on one hand they want to do it heir way and on the other, they need to have a responsible adult be in charge, and that would be you!
Children three years old thrive on praise, helping, talking, and doing just about anything to get attention. They don't even care if its negative attention they just want ATTENTION. They are so smart that they even try to run away and hide, refuse to take medicine, throw things, have temper tantrums, and say "I hate you."
The language of three year olds is full of general knowledge, but no specific language. Children need parents to spell out the specifics for them. State family rules for you child and don't change your mind. Say for example: "We stay on the driveway', or "balls can only be rolled along the street", so they stay safe. If the rule gets broken, just state the rule, remove the ball, and go back in the house. Tell your child the rule was broken and that we have to go inside, where you will not break the rule. If the boundary is too big, and the child cannot handle it, like at the mall, just put the child in the cart, wagon, or stroller and leave the area. State the rule and say : "The rule is broken so we have to leave."
Notice you're blaming the rule not the child, and you are making it clear that you are in charge. Three year olds do not set bedtime, mealtime, school time, or schedules. They have their play and think free time along with their structured parts of the day. They should not be over scheduled or they will crash and burn. They need time to cuddle with you , to talk about each day and what needs to be made better. End the day with books, and music, no TV or rough housing. Recap the day in a safe secure place. You need to offer many reminders everyday about the same old rules. Everyday the boundaries and limits change, but the child can not learn without rules and boundaries, have fun!
Return to Top
Cannot Express Emotions
We have a 4 yr. old that sometimes has trouble expressing his emotions and lately has been saying he wants to "kill" himself. My husband and I feel that he really doesn't understand the full meaning of what he is saying but doesn't have another word to express himself when he is angry. We have told him that it is a bad word and we don't talk about things like that. Please help.
Four year olds are usually anxious to please adults, especially at preschool. Talk to your child's teacher if he attends a program and ask her or other friends to encourage your son to act happy or mad, serious or sad -- make up emotional and social games to play like puppet shows or pretend play with miniature people or dolls and animals. Boys love to pretend they are car racing or rollerblading or going on trips. All these fantasy play activities let children show their emotions by directing the play "people" to be mad or angry or wanting to fight. He has heard somebody discuss the word "kill" in context he doesn't understand. Tell him to talk about what he thinks it means. Action figures do kill each other off and that may be part of the problem. If you don’t like the talk about “killing” or fighting, have a family meeting and bring the subject up. Share how your concern is real and you’d prefer he be more positive and tell you what exactly he means and what bothers him enough to make him talk like that. Tell him he doesn’t realize how it upsets you. Explain in a soft conversational tone of voice. Be gentle.
Return to Top
Hitting
My 4 year old son has recently starting hitting me and calling me "stupid-head". He does this when I pick him up to put him in a time out for hitting his 1 year old brother or for name-calling. This not only upsets me, but hurts me emotionally. We DO NOT physically punish him so I do not know where this aggressive behavior and name calling are coming from. The rules of the house are no name calling and absolutely no hitting, so there is a consequence every time this happens (time out, loss of privilege if behavior continues etc.) PLEASE HELP!--
You are very smart to have established family rules early in your son's life. He is lucky to have your support. Now, you need to add a trick to your parenting skills - it's called "purposeful ignoring.” Your son understands the power he has by repeating what he hears on TV or at Preschool, and by testing you, he feels even more in control. This is normal because he is now a social person who understands how different people act differently. He is trying out different roles on you! You must “depersonalize” your reactions and not take his behavior personally.
When he says these phrases, walk away, talk to the wall, or yourself, and remind yourself that these words are not allowed. Your job is to catch your son being good, not to get emotional every time he acts up. Compliment him when he follows rules, ignore a lot of the obvious “garbage” he is displaying. Keep reinforcing your good, brief, simple, family rules with family meetings and plenty of conversation – give him several chances to stop his behavior before you give consequences!
Concise Advice 3 to 4 Years Old
Your Email Questions Answered
by Dr. Susan Turben
Bedtime Problems
Our oldest son will be 3 next month and recently has developed a bad habit around sleep that we are perplexed on how best to handle.
Until recently we used a baby gate across the door to his bedroom to prevent him from wandering in the middle of the night should he wake (all bedrooms are located on the second floor). At some point he figured out how to climb over the gate, and very quickly after he began a pattern of waking up and hurdling the gate in the middle of the night. Naturally we would usher him back to his room and put him back to bed, but it started to get to the point where none of us were getting any sleep.
While we don't allow him to, he wants to sleep in our bed even though we know it is not right. We've thought about this a great deal and need advice as we've resorted to wedging a washcloth in his door at night to keep it shut so that he will stay in his room and sleep through the night.
Wedging the door shut has given us all the gift of good night sleep; however, its getting him to bed that is a challenge. Now he panics and doesn't want us to leave his side. We've not changed his bed time routine other that the door. How else can we encourage him to want to go to bed?
You and your husband are experiencing a problem that is a "situation" that is unacceptable. For awhile it was just inappropriate, now is needs resolution quickly. Three year olds are very demanding and suddenly he is acting like he is "in charge" rather than you. Three year olds can't be in charge.
1. Remove the washcloth, saying "you don't need it anymore, as long as you stay in your room." Tell him he will be in his room all night, and as long as he stays there, the door can be open and all is well. You are happy he understands.
2. Buy a second gate to place above the first gate, to form a barrier he can't climb over.
3. Limit his fluids after 7pm. At 11pm, get him up and take him to the bathroom so his bladder will be okay all night and he won't awaken to feel "trapped" as well as have to urinate.
4. Check on him after a few minutes and at 11pm to be sure his is back asleep, if he isn't repeat your rule about staying in the room and compliment him about it. Leave the gates up. Say thank you and good night.
5. He will be furious that you have taken away his " power" to get out of his room and then made him afraid by using the washcloth. That's the panic he is feeling. He needs the door to be open, as long as he understands you are not changing the rules anymore. The gates are a good solution for now.
6. If he cries more than 10 minutes after going to bed at 8-8:30 pm, go in and explain the rule and say you are not going to the door again. Use pull ups and a rubber sheet on the bed.
There are several other approaches if you have trouble making this one work. Let me know.
Bossy Four Year Old
We have a soon to be four year old who thinks she can do everything mom does. She is getting into things like lotions and the like, and putting them in her bath with her. She is trying to make her own decisions about almost everything from bed time to not picking up after herself. She is telling us no almost all the time and we are running out of ways to get this solved, please help!
Thank you for writing in! You described a 4 year old very well, at least a female 4 year old . They are bossy, negative when they are not in charge and demanding. They model exactly what they see and hear. They imitate all of the ways adults interact with them. So remember you are in charge. Talk about single family rules and have a family meeting to discuss the rules and practice exactly what you mean. Family discussions and conversations are the only tools you have that impress children because they are so eager for attention, they will either be good or bad to get it. Four year olds don't mind getting negative attention, but you should have a family meeting to discuss the rules and practice exactly what you mean. Family discussions and conversations are the only tools you have that impress children because they are so eager for attention, they will either be good or bad to get it. Four year olds don't mind getting negative attention, but you should focus on her being good, not the other stuff. Ignore her and please do it her way and simply state the rule "we pick up our clothes before bed," or "we ask permission to use mommy's bath oil." Keep the focus on her helpfulness and her eagerness to be a real part of running the family. Let her help, let her be involved, but insist she remember that adults are "in charge." Let me know if these work well for you.
Running Away
Could you please send tips on teaching a three year old the dangers of running away from Mom (sometimes into the street).
Thank you for writing in with your question.
Three year olds are so in need of parents who know how to limit a child's use of space, objects and how to set boundaries. They are so capable and smart, on one hand they want to do it heir way and on the other, they need to have a responsible adult be in charge, and that would be you!
Children three years old thrive on praise, helping, talking, and doing just about anything to get attention. They don't even care if its negative attention they just want ATTENTION. They are so smart that they even try to run away and hide, refuse to take medicine, throw things, have temper tantrums, and say "I hate you."
The language of three year olds is full of general knowledge, but no specific language. Children need parents to spell out the specifics for them. State family rules for you child and don't change your mind. Say for example: "We stay on the driveway', or "balls can only be rolled along the street", so they stay safe. If the rule gets broken, just state the rule, remove the ball, and go back in the house. Tell your child the rule was broken and that we have to go inside, where you will not break the rule. If the boundary is too big, and the child cannot handle it, like at the mall, just put the child in the cart, wagon, or stroller and leave the area. State the rule and say : "The rule is broken so we have to leave."
Notice you're blaming the rule not the child, and you are making it clear that you are in charge. Three year olds do not set bedtime, mealtime, school time, or schedules. They have their play and think free time along with their structured parts of the day. They should not be over scheduled or they will crash and burn. They need time to cuddle with you , to talk about each day and what needs to be made better. End the day with books, and music, no TV or rough housing. Recap the day in a safe secure place. You need to offer many reminders everyday about the same old rules. Everyday the boundaries and limits change, but the child can not learn without rules and boundaries, have fun!
Cannot Express Emotions
We have a 4 yr. old that sometimes has trouble expressing his emotions and lately has been saying he wants to "kill" himself. My husband and I feel that he really doesn't understand the full meaning of what he is saying but doesn't have another word to express himself when he is angry. We have told him that it is a bad word and we don't talk about things like that. Please help.
Four year olds are usually anxious to please adults, especially at preschool. Talk to your child's teacher if he attends a program and ask her or other friends to encourage your son to act happy or mad, serious or sad -- make up emotional and social games to play like puppet shows or pretend play with miniature people or dolls and animals. Boys love to pretend they are car racing or rollerblading or going on trips. All these fantasy play activities let children show their emotions by directing the play "people" to be mad or angry or wanting to fight. He has heard somebody discuss the word "kill" in context he doesn't understand. Tell him to talk about what he thinks it means. Action figures do kill each other off and that may be part of the problem. If you don’t like the talk about “killing” or fighting, have a family meeting and bring the subject up. Share how your concern is real and you’d prefer he be more positive and tell you what exactly he means and what bothers him enough to make him talk like that. Tell him he doesn’t realize how it upsets you. Explain in a soft conversational tone of voice. Be gentle.
Hitting
My 4 year old son has recently starting hitting me and calling me "stupid-head". He does this when I pick him up to put him in a time out for hitting his 1 year old brother or for name-calling. This not only upsets me, but hurts me emotionally. We DO NOT physically punish him so I do not know where this aggressive behavior and name calling are coming from. The rules of the house are no name calling and absolutely no hitting, so there is a consequence every time this happens (time out, loss of privilege if behavior continues etc.) PLEASE HELP!--
You are very smart to have established family rules early in your son's life. He is lucky to have your support. Now, you need to add a trick to your parenting skills - it's called "purposeful ignoring.” Your son understands the power he has by repeating what he hears on TV or at Preschool, and by testing you, he feels even more in control. This is normal because he is now a social person who understands how different people act differently. He is trying out different roles on you! You must “depersonalize” your reactions and not take his behavior personally.
When he says these phrases, walk away, talk to the wall, or yourself, and remind yourself that these words are not allowed. Your job is to catch your son being good, not to get emotional every time he acts up. Compliment him when he follows rules, ignore a lot of the obvious “garbage” he is displaying. Keep reinforcing your good, brief, simple, family rules with family meetings and plenty of conversation – give him several chances to stop his behavior before you give consequences!
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