Concise Advice 13 o 36 Months
Your Email Questions Answered
by Dr. Susan Turben
Biting
My 16 month old daughter has begun biting other children at daycare. She seems to be doing it out of frustration or when she isn't getting her way. She doesn't respond well to verbal reprimands. I'm concerned for the other children-my daughter was the victim of a biter when she was 3 months old! What is an appropriate and hopefully effective response to this behavior? At daycare, they currently watch her as carefully as they can, given that there are several other children there. when she bites, I have asked that they give her a firm "no" and remove her (putting her in a crib seems to be the only option under the circumstances.) HELP!
You and your daughter need to have a lot of little talks. Honestly, she is doing a very normal thing at that age, because she still can not use " words" to replace her actions or her reactions, like frustration. She just "does it", like the Nike ad says. At daycare, she needs to know step-by-step what will happen when she bites, and the staff needs to be more observant and smart about "heading off" trouble before it starts.
Distractions and removal are appropriate for a child of toddler age. Talk to her this way when she is biting and when she is not biting:
Words: "You may not bite, no biting"
Action: Take her hand and put her hand to her lips and let her feel her teeth. Do it calmly, do not over react or be angry. but do sound firm and calm.
Words: Tell me what you want. Do not bite."
Action: Walk her to a private place as you talk, then tell her again, then bring her back to where she was initially.
Words: "Biting is not allowed, ever" (strong-loud voice-not yelling)
Action: Walk her, like a "march", over to a lowest stair or private place that is not too far away from where she has been, and sit with her on the stair and give her the mini-lecture again. Repeat, and repeat, and repeat, then forget it and return to another activity.
Rehearse, practice, prompt, remind her, etc., since she is 16 months old and needs "cues". Soon her words will be there to use and she can channel her "negative" energy with "no", etc. When she does say no, and you want her cooperation, tell her: "Say, yes". She will. Using "no" only teaches her to use it.
My son is 34 months he's been biting kids from the time he was 29 months the first pre school did not want to deal with it so before they threw him out we removed him. I gave it until November before butting him back in. Jan 2005 he started a new pre school a few weeks went by then he started again! I have tried everything and I don't know what to do now. Can you Help?
Biting starts out as an oral stimulation and attention getting behavior in infancy and toddlerhood. It often can be stopped by direct command like "stop biting", or words to that effect indicating with your tone of voice that you will not tolerate any biting, and if it occurs, the child will not be permitted to be around anyone else. Removal and serious talk are enough to discourage a biting toddler or preschooler who bites because he isn't getting what he wants such as: Attention, a toy, or not being allowed to do what he wants.
Moods
My wife and I have a 19 month old son. We have been having a problem with him screaming and throwing bad temper tantrums. When he doesn't get what he wants, he throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming as loud as he can and recently has started head butting the floor along with other things. We have both set him on a chair for time out, sent him to his room, and putting a small piece of soap in his mouth when he screams. We have tried everything we can possibly think of and nothing is working in fact, it seems to be getting worse. If you have any information or tips for us it would be greatly appreciated.
Good for you to recognize that you need a bit of guidance. Please recognize what a child of 18-22 months can and cannot do: share toys, be independent, or left unsupervised. They are just learning language and words that can take the place of actions. They are still all actions and very few words. They use a lot of screams, smiles, babbles, and throwing themselves. They want what they want, when they want it! They are not at all understanding of someone else's feelings or demands. They are learning to make demands and they are trying to learn how to get what they want. Anything they think about, see, touch, or feel falls into the category of getting what they want.
You can help your son by setting gentle but firm limits. No yelling at him, not time out, no punishment with soap. These behaviors only cause him to try harder to get your attention, and do not work for toddlers. Try a lot of talking. Sit him between your legs on the floor when he is throwing a fit and tell him to calm down and hold him. If you yell, he will yell. If you hit, he will hit. Toddlers are pure imitators and he will do what you do which prolongs the tantrum. Just talk or sing and help him get through the tantrum. If he gets madder, tell him you know how he feels, but you are not going to let him hit his head or thrash around, period. You must set limits for your toddler. Shrink his limits when he gets out of control. If he pitches a fit in the store, leave the store. If he tries to run off when you are walking to the car or bus, tell him he always holds a hand when he is out near cars or streets; if he says "no" say to him "say yes". Ignore small crying episodes and ignore minor problems, by just substituting a different toy or game, or talking or singing a song.
Remember, you are in charge, and have to arrange the way he spends his time. Keep very strictly to a schedule, and do not let him get over tired, or you will pay the price. Toddlers fall apart and come back together 20 times a day.
Toddlers need to eat 4 times a day with a lot of variety in choices. Sit with him while he eats. Encourage him but do not feed him. Toddlers need to be in bed 12 hours a day, asleep. Toddlers 19 months old need a nap (2-3) hours and if they are in child care, they need to be in bed by 7-8 pm, and that is all toddlers, no excuses.
Toddlers need a lot of stimulation and should be read to every day, so they get used to words and ideas. Soon your son will be able to use words to keep himself under control. Then you can say, "use you words" when he gets upset, screams, or has a temper fit.
It is a great age, but you need to have realistic expectations about what he can do, and what he needs help with. Teach him to "do it himself" when he can, and to ask for help when he can't.
What are some emotions that a 2 year old should display? And how do I look for these emotional developments as well as, deal with them?
Two year old's whine, cry, have tantrums, and feel strongly that they are more capable than they really are. They are both independent and dependent all at the same time. They need words as outlets for their emotions. They learn to talk, so they can replace their actions with words. They need attention for being good, and understanding for defiant and negative. Learn to ignore the negativity. Say, "why don't you say yes, instead of no? or I am going to ignore the toys you just threw, and tell you to pick them up. You have a choice: either pick them up by yourself or ask for help, but you must pick them up. Mom and Dad are in charge but you may help. We are your parents and we know how to keep you safe and happy". Try to focus only on the positive actions of 2 year olds and encourage them to cooperate. Teach them to talk out their problems and help by cooperating. Teach them by demonstrating what cooperation and talking are. They need to see and her these behaviors from adult because they are such mimics and copy cats. That's how they acquire good habits instead of bad ones, by imitation the good behavior of adults.
Too Much Attention
I just came from a family outing at a lake cabin memorial day weekend. I am very frustrated and angry about the fact that a relative's daughter is overly attentive and gushy towards a 1-2 year child; so much so that the mid- aged person yells and laughs and gets so wrapped up in the kid to the exclusion of of adults...we are all held ransom by this action. The kid of course yells and screams from all the attention then gets so worked up and has periods where he gets mad...kind of like the incredible hulk when something doesn't go his way. He is so used to all the praise. I wonder what will happen one day when the family members start losing interest as the kid gets a little older and less "cute". I think they are creating a monster.
Thank you for writing and for your concern for the welfare of an infant/toddler age child. In spite of the behaviors you have observed, the toddler has very little chance of being damaged by the prompt attention he receives. Infants and toddlers need prompt attention and sometimes it gets pretty intense, but probably won't do any damage.
However, besides prompt attention, infants and toddlers need a few seconds and then minutes to gather themselves together when they get out of control, so that they can adapt and regulate their own actions and behaviors. It sound to me as if no one allows the boy to wait even a teeny tiny second before lavishing attention upon him. This is not so wonderful for the toddler especially, because his sense of self, as a person, doesn't get a chance to develop as quickly or as easily.
Why not just mention to adults that the toddler in their life will learn to be more patient and empathetic, and a lot more cooperative as a typical toddler, if adults try to approach him a little more slowly, and not rile him up every time they see or talk to him. Infants and toddlers view the world one way and one way only- from the perspective that they are attached to other people, that objects and people are extensions of themselves and that his needs and wants are the only needs and wants in the world. The adults in this child's world are giving him what he wants, they just need to do it a little more slowly.
It is up to the adults to help him learn to regulate his own behavior, to control his impulses. When he demands attention, adults should try to tell him to just wait a minute or say I'll be right there, or some stalling type words that allow time to pass before rushing to please or praise or pamper him. Most of all he needs to do things on his own- He needs lots of experiences and supervised playtime to explore, to climb, to test out what happens if he does something and gets a smile or a frown.
Parents and relatives must start early to teach the child that the adults in the household are in charge. Grownups, not toddlers, set the rules. The adults in this toddler's life need to establish a general but flexible schedule for him, including times for eating, sleeping, playing, traveling by car or bus, and moving around his home. He needs 12 to 14 hours of sleep a day, and regular times to enjoy personal hygiene and good food- no MacDonald's for infants and toddlers. They need high fat milk products, fruits and vegetables and healthy snacks at regular times. Their stomachs are the size of a oblong golf ball, so two or three bites and 8 ounces of milk and some water at a time is a lot of food.
Toddlers must learn family rules early, while they are learning to talk. They need tantrums to help them fall apart and come back together. This helps him regulate his emotions before he can express himself in words. So talk to him all you can about his actions, his good points and be sure to use supportive language. Parents should start to teach the child to be aware and concerned about other people's feelings and to act appropriately around other people.
Prompt attention is good but all infants and toddlers need boundaries, guidelines, rules and schedules in order to achieve their potential. Toddlers are so smart! They have definite abilities and personalities. Thank you again
Jealousy
My granddaughter is 17 months old and lives next door to me. My daughter has two children to mind 3 and 5 years. Tina my granddaughter fights over the toys which we deal with BUT she pulls the children's hair and many is the time she has a handful of hair. Please do you have any suggestions as to how we should deal with the situation. A command of "no" or a light tap on the hand has done nothing.
A child who shares her mother's time with other children in a home day care situation usually is jealous and aggressive when it comes to those “other” children. Who can blame her? Seventeen month olds always test their territory and dislike anyone who takes their toys or interferes with their desire to get attention from adults. Your daughter has to organize her childcare giving situation to allow for more time with her own child, at the same time caring for the others. It’s not hard to do – have several duplicates of the same toy. She should carry extra little distraction toys in her apron or jacket and use lots of praise and loving language with her own child, first, then the others.
Your granddaughter is incapable of “sharing” as that means she will have to give her toys to others. She can learn to play and sing and dance, and be kind to the others, but true sharing doesn’t happen at such an early age. Your daughter needs to have a busy, orderly play schedule set up for the children – all three. They can help fix snacks, play building and construction games, listen to stories, eat snacks, wash and brush and use household items to make forts, build bridges, play cards, and do things that a toddler loves to do too.
Your granddaughter needs to be napping and eating when the others do. Your daughter should be careful not to have TV on all day, but instead to “teach” her own toddler and the others how to develop social skills and personal skills, by using please and thank you, and work on picking up toys, finding toys on shelves, and playing together as well as separately.
Growth Spurt
My 2 1/2 year old has recently gone through a growth spurt and she is now clumsy and doesn't seem to be able to run well, in fact, she almost seems like there is a slight waddle in the way she walks. Is it possible that during the growth spurt something has grown at an uneven rate in her hips or legs? If so, will this correct itself? I am a nurse and have mentioned this to my daughter's Dr. and I think he tends to believe that I am just over analyzing. I have looked at her legs and buttocks and they all seem even and symmetrical and my daughter says that she is not in any pain.
Thank you for visiting the website, I hope you found it to be a useful site. Regarding your question, Pediatricians often feel that children 2 1/2-5 years of age have very uneven physical growth patterns and that is basically the case. Parents however are the experts when it comes to their own child's development, especially motor development since it is most obvious and observable of all developmental areas. An uneven gate can mean that she is using a pelvic tilt or her hip flexors move more than she did as a toddler. You can minimize stress in these areas by insisting she sit with her legs crossed or to one side or the other, rather than in a "w" position. The split up sitting is common but not a good idea. If you ever entertain a notion that the problem is more than this, do take her to the orthopedic just to be safe! Generally speaking, hip socket dislocations are nothing to treat lightly although the possibility is quite small.
Stuttering
My 2 1/2 yr old active son recently began to stutter. He has always been considered to be very advanced for his age. His speech and vocabulary has always been excellent. He father has had to be out of the country for the past 13 months. My son misses him a great deal. Could this be stress related? If so should we try speech therapy now or wait? Please give me your take on this.
It sounds to me as if you have a lot going on in your life because of your husband's absence. Your son is very smart to notice the big difference in his life. It affects him for sure.
It is a good sign that he shows his emotions, so please talk to him often about your feelings, as well. Try to be upbeat and positive, so he won't feel too sad, but tell him you understand how hard it is to miss his father, as he does. Stuttering is a by-product of his discomfort. Find fun activities to distract him. Distraction and substitution are two strategies you can use to focus his energy and attention on the "fun" part of life. Start a scrapbook of pictures to send to his father and let him help you “do” this project. He needs to feel important and useful. The stuttering will go away without therapy.
Speech Problems
My son is 14 months old. He only says daddy and sometimes mommy. I just want to know if I should send him to a doctor for having problems with speech or is he slower than normal?
Thank you so much for writing. Your child is doing fine. Many children use only one or two words until they are 15-18 months old; the best thing to remember is to read to your child every day, and tell stories and sing songs and play games that require your toddler to "chat" and talk to you.
Expand his words!! For example, when he says "Daddy" you say "Daddy goes out, doesn't he?" Make sentences out of his single words. I'll bet he says "huh-oh," or "da" which might mean "that." I'll bet he points a lot. When he points at an object, say the name for him and encourage him to point and talk at the same time.
Sleep Problems
I have a nearly 2 year old daughter who sleeps in bed with me and has done so for about 4 months. How do I go about getting her in her own bed?
It's a problem or a question of what caused her to sleep with you 4 months ago. Try telling her stories of how that event came about, and then tell her the story of how she will now sleep in her own "special" room. Make it special, by moving her bed or a sleeping mattress closer to the door, and be sure she has a separate bedtime from yours.
Some children can't separate for quite awhile, so be patient, but firm. Every night move her back in her bed when you retire. Tell her ahead of time that she will wake up in her bed from now on, and if she comes in, walk her quickly without talking about it, back to her room. Be gentle -- she may have a reason that is not known to me.
My son will be two this month and is hardly talking at all. He is normal in all ways and seems advanced in some. Motor skills especially, eating, stacking puzzles. He just will not talk, prefers to point, whine or throw. He is an only child and does not go to daycare. Should I be worried. I have often thought I was too easy to anticipate his needs and have given him no reason to communicate. Could this be the case. His trips to the pediatrician have been fine.
It's time to talk! That's the way us humans are programmed and to communicate is to survive emotionally. I would try to do less for your son. Ask him what he wants and ask him to use a word to tell you what he wants. Assist him in using his words, like "book", or "cup". Avoid babying him and be sure he has a routine where he isn't picked up and carried around, and where he can be independent and help you do things around the house. Use your routine to "teach" him "the fun of talking". Say, "here are socks to put in the drawer". "Socks, say "socks".
He'll love playing peek-a-boo with objects and probably his words will come along fast by playing games and talking about everything he sees. If by age 2, he is not producing words or part of words and if he still prefers to grunt and whine, point this out to his pediatrician and tell him (her). I say two-year-olds do talk, and you want an audiologist and a pediatric speech therapist to check him out.
I have worked with a number of families who have waited too long to get the "language train" rolling at full "speech" and have had very frustrated two-year-olds with behavior issues. Children need to talk to make friends, make social contacts and learn to cooperate and help. Language is an essential part of growing away from parents and gaining a sense of self.
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