Chores Without Wars
Get your child into the habit of helping out now to make home more responsible later.
Imagine this: Every morning, your child makes his bed and puts away his pajamas. Before dinner, he sets the table and feeds the dog. And on Sundays, he helps wash the car.
Although having your child willingly help out around the house may seem like wishful thinking, 5- and 6- year olds can - and should- do regular chores. Assuming more responsibility at home is as crucial for children as lean ring to read, being physically active, and making friends, notes William J. Doherty, Ph.D., a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, in St. Paul, and author of Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent times (Sorin, 2000).
And right now is the perfect time for kids to start pitching in. "Children this age are better able to concentrate on a specific activity that they were at 3 or 4," says Virginia Stowe, Director of New York City's Parenting Resource Center, Inc. They're more adept with their hands and less likely to be discouraged by small setbacks, such as a tangled vacuum-cleaner cord. In addition, they have a sincere desire to please you and are proud of their accomplishments, such as dusting a tabletop or pouring milk without spilling it.
Perhaps most important, kindergartners and first-graders are used to having jobs at school, and this sets the stage for their helpfulness at home. "In nineteen years of teaching, I can't remember a child who didn't wave his hand to be picked as snack helper or door holder." says Marjorie R. Nelsen, author of A Child's Book of Responsibilities (Partners in Learning, Inc., 1997). "Helping around the house makes kids feel independent, competent, and important within their family." says Stowe.
What's more, being accustomed to doing chores at home can benefit your child academically. He'll understand that sometimes he has to do things he doesn't want to do-and that will extend to doing homework or studying for tests, notes Vicki Carr, Director of Children's Programs at the University of Cincinnati's Arlitt Child and Family Research and Education Center. "Research has found that kids who don't try as hard as they could in school are more likely to have been raised in families where didn't have to do much at home." says Stowe. "They believe that some will always step in and do things for them."
Of course, the fact that a 5-year old is always expected to clean up after herself and cooperate at school is one reason she may whine when you ask her to comply at home: She wants some downtime. Bit if you approach chores with a spirit of fun rather than drudgery and don't expect perfection, your child should be more willing to participate.
Give your child a choice
Make a list of all the ways he can help out (see "Tasks Kids Can Master." above). Then let him pick three daily chores and one weekly chore, suggests Stowe. Play up the fact that chores are for big kids, saying, "You're in charge of the cat food" can make a responsibility seem more like a privilege.
Work Together
While researching her book Pick up Your Socks..and Other Skills Growing Children need (Parenting Press, 1990). Elizabeth Crary surveyed hundreds of families and found that 5-and 6-year olds were able to handle a wide variety of household jobs but almost always needed help doing them. If you demand that your child go solo from Day 1, she's likely to get frustrated and want to give up. Start by showing her exactly how a particular task is done, and then ask her to do it with you. Make sure that she's safely able to open and close the boxes her toys are stored in, for instance, or that she knows where to put the dishes when she carries them into the kitchen, says Stowe.
The Kimberly family of Beverly Hills, Michigan, devotes every Saturday morning to housework. The two older kids can do their chores on their own, but 6-year-ol Hannah prefers to clean the bathroom mirrors while her mother doses the sinks. "She needs that motivation and partnership."says her mother, Elizabeth. "But she can now make her bed and set the table by herself."
Praise appropriately
Thank your child and compliment him by describing what he has accomplished ("You folded the napkins so carefully"), says Stowe. If you have some constructive criticism, it's best save it for the next time he's about to tackle the task: "You did a terrific job arranging the silverware yesterday. Remember, though, that the fork goes on the left side."
Don't pay for participation
If your child gets an allowance, don't link it to completing chores, says psychologist and parent educator Susan Turben, Ph.D., of Lake County, Ohio. "Regular jobs around the house should be considered part of being in the family." If you do want to treat your child to show your appreciation, choose rewards other than cash, such as going bowling or out for ice cream. However, the most effective way of motivating your child is to remind her that if she helps out, you;ll have more free time tougher, says Stowe.
Be flexible when you can
Every time Betsy jordan, of West Nyack, New York, asks her 6-year-old daughter, Mallory, to help her with the laundry or clean up her room, she responds, "I'm busy." When this happens, you should empathize with your child and , "I know you don't feel like it, but the job has to be done." suggests Carr. "However, there's usually a window of time during which your child can complete a task," says Dr. Doherty, "and it's counterproductive to give the message, stop having fun now and help =ne this minute!" IF you give your child some control over when to empty the dishwasher, for example-or at least a five-minute warning before he has to do it - you'll be less likely to get into a power struggle.
If your child absolutely refuses to cooperate, "administer consequences related to the chore," says Stowe. "For example, if she doesn't put her clothes in the hamper, tell her they won't get washed until the next cycle."
Try not to get frustrated, though, if your child often forgets to do his chores. "Until the age of 8 or 9 most kids have to be reminded," says Dr. Turben. She recommends posting a chart with pictures of what your child has to do on the refrigerator or his bedroom door. But even with a chart, children still forget-and it's not necessarily a sign of defiance. It's also not a reason to give up and decide to do a chore yourself, even though it might be easier. Be patient: Eventually, your child will grow to be more independent, and the time invested now will pay off later.
Tasks Kids Can Master Chores need to be clearly defined and easy to accomplish, says veteran teacher Marjorie R. Nelsen, author of a A Child's Book of Responsibilities. "Saying to a 5-year-old, 'Clean up your room' can be as overwhelming as telling an adult to organize a massive warehouse. Instead, scale the job down to child size: 'Put the blocks in the red bin' or 'Put the books in the book basket.' " |
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Everyday Chores Your child should choose three daily jobs:
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Weekly Chores He should also be able to perform any of the following weekly chores:
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