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Delivering Reasonable Punishment: Worksheet
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The ABC’s of Positive Parenting for Foster Parents
Punishment, by definition, is unpleasant for the receiver. Delivering punishment also is an unpleasant task for parents. Despite this reality, punishment can function as a teaching tool when it works to reduce the occurrence of a behavior that may jeopardize a child’s ability to live successfully in a family and normal community. Delivering punishment, however, creates bad feelings toward the punisher, can make parent-child relations difficult, and can get out of hand, i.e., be carried out in anger and, thus, be harsh and hurtful. Further more, because punishing is unpleasant for parents as well as children, punishment situations often are ones in which children are able to manipulate or intimidate parents into “giving in” or overlooking misbehavior in order to avoid having to go through the aversive experience of giving punishment.
Because punishment situations are so volatile and yet potentially so important to what a child learns about the consequences of misbehavior, it is essential parents be prepared to deliver punishment reasonably and effectively, maximizing it s impact for positive teaching and minimizing its negative effect on the parent-child relationship. To deliver reasonable punishment effectively, parents should follow the ground rules of reasonable punishment listed on the preceeding page, and use the following component steps in their interaction with the child when punishment is given or stated.
When a misbehavior occurs which a parent feels should be punished, the first thing the parent must do is get himself/herself under control. Punishment given in anger usually is given more for the punisher than for the person punished. Punishment given in anger is more likely to be an over-reaction than a reasonable, considered consequence. If punishment is to be given at all, parents must first calm themselves. They need to stop and think about why the misbehavior is wrong and what a reasonable, fair consequence may be.
Next, parents need to explain briefly to the child why the behavior is wrong. Whatever reason is given, it needs to be something besides “Because I said so!”. Reasons help youngsters develop and internalize rules to guide future behavior. Therefore, before beginning to deliver a punishment, parents should answer for themselves the questions, “why is this behavior a problem? What important rules to live by were broken by this behavior?” Once we know the reason why the behavior is a problem, we can communicate it clearly and calmly to the child.
Particularly with teenagers, it is wise to involve them in the process of deciding what a fair and reasonable punishment may be for a misbehavior. Giving a youth choices invites his input and may thereby reduce the resentment and hostility he otherwise might express in a punishment situation. Choices invite more adult behavior and suggest that the youth is being treated as a mature person. While all youth may not offer appropriate suggestions, the effort to involve them may reduce the immediate tension of the situation and help avoid a blow-up.
When parents ask youth to suggest a reasonable punishment, they may also give the youth an opportunity to “tell his side of the story”. This opportunity also may help reduce immediate tensions, help the youth perceive he is being treated fairly, and give the youngster an opportunity to think through the reasoning and decision-making that led up to the misbehavior.
Next, parents must select and communicate clearly and calmly to the child what the punishment for the misbehavior will be. It is important that the statement be made in a controlled, non-threatening, and straight-forward manner without lecturing, scolding or moralizing. The punishment itself is enough of a consequence. To add a lengthy lecture is a little like double jeopardy (being punished twice for the same crime) – may back-fire by function as a reinforcer for youth who like one-to-one attention of any kind.
