Three Year Old Gets Out of Room At Night
Dear Dr. Susan:
Our oldest son will be 3 next month and recently he’s developed a bad habit around sleep that were perplexed on how to best handle.
Until recently we used a baby gate across the door to his bedroom to prevent him from wandering in the middle of he night should he wake (all bedrooms are on the second floor in our house). At some point he figured out how to climb over the gate, and very quickly after that he began a pattern of waking up and hurdling the gate in the middle of the night increasing in frequency. Naturally we’d usher him back to his room and put him back to bed, but it started to get to the point where none of us were getting any sleep.
While we don’t allow him to, he wants to sleep in our bed. We don’t know what to do. We know it’s not right to let him sleep in our bed. We know he needs to learn to sleep in his own bed. We’ve thought about this a great deal and need advice as we’ve resorted to wedging a wash-cloth in his door at night to keep it shut so that he will stay in his room and sleep through the night.
Wedging the door shut has given us all the gift of a good night sleep; however, its getting him to bed that’s a challenge. Now he panics and doesn’t want us to leave his side. We’ve not changed his bedtime routine other than the door. How else can we encourage him to want to go to bed?
We recognize that life events/changes might cause some disturbance. We’ve been encouraged by his daycare to have him potty trained because he’s about to turn 3 and he was bored in the toddler class as he’s been there quite awhile. He’s been pretty successful with the potty training and has graduated to Preschool recently. He really wanted to move up to Preschool because all his friends moved up a few months ago. These are the only other changes in his life that are significant. The bedtime panic seems to be escalating and we don’t know what to do and would like to do something positive before it gets out of hand.
Miriam
Dear Miriam
Thank you for writing. You and your husband are experiencing a problem that is a “situation” that is unacceptable. For a while it was just inappropriate, now it needs resolution quickly. Three year olds are very demanding, and suddenly he is acting like he is “in charge” rather than you. Three year olds can’t be in charge.
- Remove the washcloth, saying “you don’t need it anymore, as long as you stay in your room: Tell him he will be in his room all night, and as long as he stays here, the door can be open and all is well. You are happy he understands.”
- Buy a second gate to place above the first gate, to form a barrier he can’t climb over.
- Limit his fluids after 7 p.m. At 11 pm, get him up and take him to the bathroom, so his bladder will be ok all night and he won’t awaken to feel “trapped” as well as having to urinate.
- Check on him after a few minutes and at 11 pm to be sure he is back asleep, if he isn’t repeat your rule about staying in the room and compliment him about it. Leave the gates up. Say thank you and good night.
- He will be furious that you have (a) taken away his “power to get out of his room and (b) then made him afraid by using the washcloth. That’s the panic he’s feeling. He needs the door to be open, as long as he understands you are not changing the rules any more. The gates are a good solution for now.
- If he cries more than 10 minutes after going to bed at 8-8:30, go in and explain the rule and say you are not coming to the door again. Use pull ups and a rubber sheet on the bed.
Thank you again for writing. There are several other approaches if you have trouble making this one work. Let me know.
Dr. Susan H. Turben
