Twins Afraid of Others
Dear Dr. Susan:
I have twins just turned five years old and they are afraid to talk, answer questions, participate in activities when other people are around (people other than our family and friends who they see every day) – they said they are afraid people will laugh at them. They have really good ideas and love to play games, but that all stops if other folks are around. Why are they so afraid someone will laugh at them? What can I do to help them get over this? Thank you, Sheri
Dear Sheri:
Thanks for writing me for a little help. It is not a big problem, but it is a concern. Think about the twin’s life prior to now. Consider their interdependence and joint ability to take advantage of a built in secure and trust-worthy companion anytime they want one. Even if they didn’t always get along, as normal persons in a household, they had a safety valve. They could express their individual personalities differently, they still had each other.
This comfort zone now isn’t enough. They are becoming civilized; this means realizing there is a big world out there, where other people make comments, have opinions and have ways of teasing, whining, and getting attention that they are not used to hearing.
Talk to them as often as you can about how they were as babies, then toddlers, then preschoolers, as a kind of play-acting, so they can review the past and then make up little plays about how to make friends and have fun with other kids. Pretend play and imaginary mental thinking are valuable skills that five year olds have naturally. Take advantage of all those wonderful playful ideas they have, and use pretend play as a guidance tool. They need you to be their teachers for the summer.
The twins actually need to be taught the art of getting along and making friends. They are used to, perhaps, getting their way and controlling each other and the family. Even if they are not as I describe, they still have spent five years being special and working hard to get attention for themselves as twins and the object of the family’s affection-all good things, but now they are too old for that life style.
They are complaining about other’s laughing at them because they are literally shocked that they are not the center of attention. They need literally to practice how to act independently with separate friends, in order to begin to enjoy the company of others. Family doesn’t count. The easiest ways are play-acting and conversational instruction from you as the parents.
This is a wonderful age, in which children are generally very impressionable, love their teachers, and want to be popular and make friends – this is the stage of development in which children are industrious, purposeful, bossy, whiny, cooperative, helpful, and very concerned about what other people think of them. Try not to overreact to the problem but talk talk talk…Let me know how things are going.
Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.
