Strong Willed Five Year Old
Dear Dr. Susan
I can’t handle my five year old. She is so stubborn, no matter what we tell her she does things her way. We have tried taking things away as punishment, talking to her, revoking privileges (such as going to grandma’s for a night), even spanking. She will stop at nothing to get her way, even though she is not rewarded for throwing fits to get her way. Her latest episode was to pee in her pants to be able to go home. What can we do with such a strong willed child?
Constance
Dear Constance:
Thank you for writing and visiting our website.
Don’t you think that you have lost control of your household? Most parents do, who have strong-willed children who are capable of “taking over.” Please remember you are in charge, and need to get back to the reality that five year-olds aren’t capable of supervising themselves or you. Traditional discipline methods which worked when she was a toddler (substitution, distraction, family rules) aren’t working now, so what happens is that you keep changing approaches and allowing her to dismantle each one.
Get back to basics; I recommend:
A schedule is set and followed with respect, and compliments given daily. The rules are agreed to by you and your husband and practiced and rehearsed by the whole family at a family meeting. Then stick to the rules, making them concrete and offer your daughter only two choices: do the daily scheduled activities by herself or ask for help – no other choices.
If she doesn’t comply, then you shrink her boundaries and reign her in to a smaller and smaller space or options. If she can’t cooperate (teach her cooperation) at the mall, you quietly, not talking to her, leave. If she can’t set the table, quietly take her to the bottom stair (if you have one) and sit with her, reminding her of the rule. No yelling, no hitting, just sitting and talking, even if she is not listening. The more she acts up, the closer you stay by her. Don’t use time out. If you take her to her room to think about it, stay there with her. Don’t banish her because she must do as you ask.
At a “meeting”, have your daughter write with you some of her favorite things. These are then used as privileges when she cooperates. When she doesn’t, don’t give in and let her have her favorites. No TV unless she cooperates is a good first privilege to lose. Call them privileges – no rewards, no bribes, no threats.
Write again and let’s talk more.
Thanks again for writing and visiting our site.
Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.
