Three Year Old Tantrums
Dear Dr. Susan”
I have a toddler who is almost three. He has a bad temper whenever he does not get what he wants. He will have a temper tantrum for 30 minutes or more straight and will hit anyone who gets near him. I think I am good about not giving in to him, which is really hard because I know that if I just give in, I will avoid the tantrum. His tantrums turn into asthma attacks. When he starts to act up, he gets a time out, but what do we do when we are in the car? He is normally a happy child, but these daily tantrums are difficult to handle. Please help us deal with this.
Jenny
Dear Jenny:
Temper tantrums are very normal and it takes a strong constitution on your part to let him carry on as if his life was over! Actually, temper tantrums indicate he is aware of his own thinking and feeling powerful. He wants your attention and has learned correctly that you will pay attention to it. So what do you do?
When he is not having a tantrum. Give him BIG COMPLIMENTS and lots of attention for being good at playing or in the car or picking up toys! Then, when he pitches a fit, you wait until he stops until he takes a breath and stops crying. Then when he pauses to get his breath or sob, thank him for stopping his tantrum and give him the attention for not throwing a fit instead of what he does. It is a trick called “catch them” when they are good and ignore them (safely!)
It will take a few times for him to catch on. If you are in a store just move him away from the spot where he is crying and tell him you will pay attention to him when he stops. Then, when he does pause even for a second, scoop him up, hug him and give him a really loud thank you for not carrying on! Even if he starts up again, ignore him but keep him safe, turn your head away, and do not call him by name, move him to a safe place, but ignore him – that is what child care workers have to learn to do when they have several children all yelling at once – they just purposefully ignore, then quickly praise them when they pause for any reason – you can do it!
He is doing what every other child has done for generations!
Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.
