Strong Willed Seven Year Old With Single Parent
Dear Dr. Susan:
I am having a hard time with my son who is 7 years old. I am a single mom trying to raise him and I have several health issues as well. Anything to help would be greatly appreciated. I know that being an only child is enough to deal with, as well as the loss of his dad (by separation). I don’t want to discourage him. But help him grow up to be the best he can be. He is very strong willed and I find myself yelling all the time. Any suggestions? I cannot afford to bring him to counseling now as I am just back to work following 10 months of disability. He has only seen his dad a handful of times in the last two years.
Thank you
Debbie
Dear Debbie:
Thanks for writing. Yelling probably is not working because he is used to hearing it and tunes you out. Right: Don’t keep doing what doesn’t work. Try another idea – try to ignore a lot of his actions because they are only designed to get your attention. Seven year-olds crave uninterrupted attention, so only give him attention when he is doing things right. “Catch him being good”. If he finishes homework tell him that’s amazing and you are glad. Don’t sound fake or exaggerate but be sincere and give him a kiss, a hug, a pat – when he is ready for school on time, don’t ignore the good job he did, compliment him. Good behavior is a habit just like bad behavior can be! So pretend you are walking through a door that says, “I will not yell, I will look for the good things and ignore the rest,” and if you can’t ignore then privately sit him down and calmly tell him you are working on a new plan and you want him to help you. The plan is that attention, rewards, fun stuff is going to be available to him only if he cooperates, asks permission, helps out, asks “what he can do for you?”, etc.
Single parents need to be in control and not overreact by yelling and punishing because they have a good chance to make a good citizen out of a whiney, controlling child. You can do it!
Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.
