Preschooler Handling Divorce
Dear Dr. Susan:
My husband and I are separated. My 4 year old wets the bed when he is with Daddy but not Mommy. He throws very bad fits with mommy but not for Daddy. He says “no” constantly. When told he will be punished he says to punish him. (No matter what the punishment may be.) He will scream over nothing for an hour or so and then suddenly stop. He will rarely talk about being angry or sad about the separation. He changes the subject when it’s brought up. He says things like “I hate you and you hate me.” When told that Mommy loves him, he says he wants me to hate him dislike him/be mad etc. His attitude changes as soon as I walk in the door. He will not respond to being nice. My 8-year-old is more sensitive than angry. He thinks no one likes him. He has anxiety. He seems to have low self-esteem. He makes up stories. He will become very mouthy in front of other people. When he does get angry, he tries to show me he is the boss. His main thing is talking back and arguing.
Gloria
Dear Gloria:
Thank you and welcome to our site Gloria. When parents separate, they both need to realize their children do not understand what it means to separate. Children develop loving attachments and bond with their parents in early infancy, before they talk or walk. It is natural, therefore, that they can’t make mental or emotional sense out of the fact that these feelings now have changed. They feel the separation and fight against it. This aggression is very overt in some children and very subtle in others.
Bed wetting, screaming, and arguing are all expressions of their inability to “get it.” They want the two of you back together, much like a rubberband snaps back after it is stretched. Separation is the “stretch,” and divorce is an even greater stretch. Young children do not have the tools to manage the stretch unless they think they can make the family spring back together. If that is not happening, you as adults have to get along in your process and be responsible for managing the child without bitterness, name calling, phone calls, threats, or other expressions of resentment. You must present a united front to your child. Be careful that you do not expect him to adjust to two households, two lifestyles, or any other such arrangement. Keep him on a familiar routine in both households and agree with your separated spouse to talk daily. Your child is not a weapon, but he is in a war zone, not of his own making. Do not put yourselves or him in this war. It will cause unnecessary heartache and misery for your child.
Please think hard about how you both intend to dissolve a marriage, and still strengthen your child’s love for you both.
Thanks again,
Susan H. Turben
