Disrespectful Six Year Old
Dear Dr. Susan:
The past few months, my child (6), has become defiant, argumentative, and disrespectful. It only happens at home and usually with me. I have tried many different styles or methods of parenting, i.e. rewards, punishments, love, etc. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I feel I am losing my child and our bond as mother and daughter. HELP!
Lauren
Dear Lauren:
Thank you so much for writing in and visiting the website!
I understand how frustrating it may be to watch your 6 year old behave in ways that are new. Children 5-8 years of age are all different, each according to his or her temperament, but there are common habits and behaviors that do seem to resonate with this age group. First, children feel safe at home to show off, to imitate temper tantrums or mouthing rude behaviors because they see these actions all the time. At school they tend to be on their best behavior so they will get the positive attention they crave, and so that other children will like them. At home, they can act out and let their good manners run amuck.
The best medicine is to start having family meetings (even a short one in the car) to discuss what they did in school and make them feel important even when they are all worked up. Children need to release tension and they need to know what family rules they need to follow, so discussion and conversation are essential. They have to know every day (over and over) what the family expects of them, what their limits are, and what is unacceptable to you as a family. Rewards are like bribery-only award her when she does what is expected. Avoid personalizing her mistakes – just say, “in our family the rule is we speak calmly and when you can do that, then I will listen”. Learn to walk into another room, ignore her, or direct her to a picture or a chart that shows what the family rules are.
Friendships are very important to 5-8 year olds so be sure she makes friends with a wide circle of people, not just in school. Get her into Brownies or another group activity where she learns to take directions from another adult, other than you, relatives, and teachers.
If she persists in her bad habits, shrink her boundaries, so to speak. Eliminate the privileges she usually has, like tv or cd’s or dvd’s or computer for a short time, remind her she can have privileges only if she is cooperative and helpful
Above all, get her cooperation by having her help you with everything – she is very competent at age 6 and needs to learn to be helpful.
Thank you again,
Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.
