Nine Year Old and Divorce
Dear Dr. Susan:
I’m a divorced mother with three children. My youngest is almost 9 years old and so much wants to believe that me and her father are going to get back together. I’m dating someone now and her Dad is on-line dating with a Russian woman. Because my “friend” is here and present with our family she sees him as a threat and with the help of her father adding his comments to her about what I do, she is having a hard time with it. I don’t know what to do.
Lori
Dear Lori:
Do not worry about your very normal eight-year-old. It is the natural reaction to loss and confusion. You need to have a lot of patience and a little advice! The advice is to let her grieve and listen to every word of her grief. Be sure you are kind and don’t make any comments about the ex even if he does! You have to be the responsible parent in this case since the other person is not…
The most effective and shortest way to help your child is to say the situation is hard – admit it! Ask her how it feels to her and then..do not try to convince her, just listen, really listen, whenever she wants to talk about it. Nod your head a lot! Say you agree that it is not the best solution for her but for the whole family it is the best way! Your pediatrician should be able to recommend a session (or two or ten) with a divorce counselor. It is so worth the money for your daughter who has normal feelings of love for both of you to just find someone who is nice and professional but kind and smart, who will give your child attention and respect about this matter. The counselor should also be consulted about tips you can use to distract and substitute other activities. Above all, reassure her that she still has the same two parents and that you and your ex will work on making things easier for her. She may have ides of how she wants you both to act!
Accept that and work on building up her self-confidence. Take out a whole bunch of books from the library so she can observe how other families manage in divorced situations.
Thanks so much for writing me.
Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.
