Seven Year Old Difficult Child
Dear Dr. Susan:
My 7 year old daughter has always been difficult. She cried a lot as a baby, and threw tantrums when she was a toddler (sometimes screaming until she threw up). Now she is a complainer. She gets out of bed horribly grouchy in the morning, frowning whining and complaining about everything from breakfast to the clothes she wears. She screams, yells, and stomps her feet. This has turned into a constant behavior. She’s just not happy with anything. She has a 5 year old sister who is easy going and mild. We’ve always treated them exactly the same. Could this be a medical condition? I just don’t know what to do.
Emily
Dear Emily:
Thanks for writing. I have some ideas which may get you started about thinking about difficult situations with your seven-year old. If you really observe her temperament and personality, you’ll get a read on how to help her control her own moods and down-times, and be a more confident part of the family. Is she high energy? Is she rhythmic and regular in her daily routines? Does she have a long or short attention span, is she distracted, persistent, loud, noisy, irritable some of the time, how often? I have a temperament assessment that can help. Click here for a list of characteristics.
Get the family together for a family meeting and talk to everyone about certain routines that are bothersome to the family. Avoid criticizing or pointing the finger at your older daughter-avoid personalizing the problems, just name them. Family meetings are perfect for getting at unacceptable situations, without lowering the guilty party’s self-confidence. Consider the words you need to use to describe the morning routine problems during the meeting.
Ahead of time, in private, discuss with your spouse the words, exactly, and the actions you want to use to change the way you handle your daughter, and don’t worry about how to change her behavior. This is a parental decision that has to do with her personality and how it matches with the rest of the family. You set limits, you figure out her boundaries and breaking points and when and how and where and why she flares up. You decide what you will do if she acts up – whether you walk away, tell her to find a place to go get calm and you’ll talk to her when she is calm. How you want to orchestrate consequences of her good and not-so-good behavior, etc.
Write a plan with the whole family at one of your meetings to show the girls the steps you want to take to change things, and ask them how they can cooperate and help you make it work. Ask them to help you. Most children who are five and seven do not have helpful, cooperative skills because their families do not involve them in meaningful and enjoyable ways to help and do not teach them by example how to be self-sufficient and helpful to others. Children between four and nine tend to be over-managed and over-scheduled by their families. Thanks for writing and I hope this helps.
Susan H. Turben. Ph.D.
