Six Year Old Does Not Listen
Dear Susan:
Our oldest (6 years old) will not listen to his mother. He constantly ignores her calls to slow down, play nice, come and eat, take a bath, brush your teeth, go to bed, etc. So, to get him to listen we have to constantly threaten him with discipline. But this too, is not working. He tells her that he does not care what she says, and that she does not rule over him. WILL he out grow this? What can we do to change his attitude without threatening him ? And to get him to listen ?
Ken
Dear Ken,
Six-year-olds are bossy, tattle tales who like to think they are in control. Mom needs a few rules to explain that she is the mom and in charge. Children age 6 - 8 are not intimidated by spanking or yelling, so don’t go that way. The other way is talking, giving compliments and clear directions, encouraging good behavior and catching your son when he is good, not bad. Catch him and encourage him quickly, even if you have to interrupt him. Make TV as a privilege for cooperating. Teach cooperation and helpfulness by modeling it for him.
Go to school and observe how they handle that age child and then imitate their methods. He will not out grow bad habits - change the habits by being firmly in charge and transferring attention to him when he does the right thing, not the reverse. Keep him close at hand when he is out of control and shrink his boundaries when he is out of control, then widen them again when he shows he can manage his own behavior. Privileges are getting what you want because you have earned them. Loss of privileges is the only punishment that is effective in getting rid of non-listening bad habits. Tell him he is not listening, therefore, he will not have the choice to play a game of cards or read a book before bed, for example.
Offer choices that are cooperative, like: you can clean up the table (sponge it off) by yourself or you can ask for help, but the table will be sponged off - it’s your choice - it’s up to you to take responsibility for your behavior.
Ignore time out; keep him near when he falls apart and continue the schedule with or without his cooperation; but give him no attention while you do this. Just do it and don’t talk. Only talk about it later when he calms down, and then talk plenty about house rules, respect, etc.
Dr. Susan
