By Susan H. Turben, Ph.D.

Recently, Dr. Turben appeared on the “Morning Exchange” Program on WEWS Television Station Channel 5 in Cleveland, Ohio. Susan wants to share some alternatives to spanking for 3-8 year-olds and information about why she does not think spanking works in the long haul.

Susan says, “I help families find other ways of dealing with their frustrations when children misbehave. I think common sense tells all of us that hitting is a short-term solution that does not stop a specific behavior, so here are a few ideas:”

For Children 3-5 years of age:

• Shrink their boundaries if they mess up. Limit their use of a room or area if they do not do what you have requested, such as “do not go near the stove”, “go take a shower,” etc.
• Make children ages 3-8 feel useful; help cook, make beds, make decorations, paint or clean a small area as a special job.
• Teach children to ask permission for special play like with Mom’s makeup or Dad’s tools.
• Use words that indicate limited choices – “You can either pick up your clothes by yourself, or ask for help.” But the message is clear: They have to do it – it is just a matter of alone or with help. Most kids need reassurance and help until they are 6 or 7, but they can act very responsibly by age five because they love to help, and take on adult tasks, they want attention for it.
• Teach children that the adult in charge is the one you listen to.

For Children 5-8 years of age:

• Teach diversity.
• Avoid just using stickers or food for bribes. Each child values different things and different rewards so make a list with them about what they “love to do in their free time.” These become the things they work for. List the rewards, the jobs and behaviors you expect and the privileges they lose if they do not get their “stuff” done.
• Punishment is still attention and kids like it. So make punishment mean only one thing - they do not get what they want. When kids know you are unhappy with them, they feel a lot of self-guilt. You do not have to shame children to get them to change or stop behaviors. Just say, “You will do better tomorrow. Try again. I will keep watching you and when you do it right, I will tell you how wonderful you are.”

Older Children (8-12 years of age):

• Older age (8-12) kids need close parental supervision of two things: 1) Use of their time, and 2) their friends. These are most valuable in helping parents and teens talk and stay in touch, even if they disagree. Agree to disagree.
• Hitting teenagers? How? Most of them are bigger than we are. Adults should control their own anger enough to walk away and calm down, if for no other reason than to model that behavior for kids. Kids can learn to “cool off”, take a walk, talk it out, if they see that style of coping at home or at school. That is what conflict resolution programs do in school. Talk! Talk! Talk!
• Parents should plan ahead at a family meeting what they intend to use as discipline. Hitting, yelling, and using straps are absolutely to be avoided so we do not raise children who think cruelty is okay and that hitting, yelling, and pushing are ways to solve our problems. Stop cruel behaviors by severely limiting social privileges like overnights, movies, etc.
• Insist your children do volunteer work no matter how young.
• Model how to earn, save, and give away money.
• Spend time taking children to places that are free so they will see what diversity means.