Divorce My Teen is in the Middle
My 13 year old stepson is currently living with his mother. She is very uncooperative, wants everything her way, and makes us out to be punishment for the son. She also lets him make all the decisions and this has been going on for years. So we only see him when he wants to come over and he only answers the phone when he feels like talking. We don't expect much from him only respect, good grades and to go to church with us when he's here. It's starting to disrupt mine and my husbands relationship because I'm getting fed up with his (stepsons) attitude, constant canceling on us, his lies, and treating his dad like crap. We don't know what to do anymore and his mother certainly doesn't help the situation.
Your story is so common but no less painful...I have suggestions that have helped many couples and their children through this, but you must believe that the most important thing you must do is stay strong for each other, express your desire to change your behavior, and do it for your son...This has apparently been going on a long time. If you do not change, you cannot expect your son or his mom to change their behavior either. If you always do what you always did... you will always get what you always got! You and your husband must take care of yourselves and it will be rapidly possible that the mom and son will change too!
But it takes acceptance on both of your parts to realize this problem is not your son's problem. Please agree right now to stick together and be a solid force for this thirteen year old who is confused but you can believe he does care, regardless of seeming to be a very spoiled person. It is not of his doing. I repeat...This is a situation that is not of his doing. He did not cause it. He cannot cure it and he thinks it is his fault. The PROBLEM is that his parents (whom he loves) are STILL placing him in the middle of a war he did not cause, he cannot cure, and he cannot win.
So, start acting in different ways that allow him to hear from you, let him know that you understand and are willing to wait as long as it takes, to get together. Write him emails, send notes, keep calling...keep brief communication going even when he doesn't want to talk. Tell him you are sorry, you now realize you were making it hard on him even after all these years! Give him room to adjust to the idea and to tune out his mom's criticism. It will sink in with time that he does not have to buy into his mother's behavior.
Do not start anything with his mom if she continues her old ways. Just ask:
can I call back and leave a message about taking him to a game?" What's the harm of saying you will call back and would she mind if you leave a message? Be nice! Do not play her game. Use no sarcasm or loud or mean tones, just non-controversial words, so that you don't put your son in the middle any more than he already is.
For example, when you call, say: "Hi Joey..don't call me back...just thinking of you and wondered if a ball game might be fun? If I don't hear from you I will assume you can't make it! I'll call again, don't worry about it."
If he visits, lower your expectations, talk to him by having a conversation; make it a family meeting and be light, not so heavy-handed. Win him over by respecting his opinion! Don't be so demanding about rules! Have talks about church and what it means, then let it go! He is not being disrespectful..he is doing what his mother taught him to do.
He will show respect and honor your wishes once your son realizes that you are NOT blaming him or his mom anymore. He loves his mom. He loves hid dad. He has to have a way out without taking sides. He is not the adult here and he cannot solve the problem, no matter what. It is not his problem.
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